V 1929 -The Autobiography of Ram Chandra Vol I
1st January, 1929:
I saw your Holiness in a dream. You transmitted to me at all points and also gave a particular transmission which produced heat in the entire body but caused no trouble.
11th January, 1929:
Saw a saint in a dream. He gave me such a transmission it ran through the entire body like electricity, and I felt as if a river of divine effulgence was diverted towards me. Next day there was intensity to such an extent that neither did I comprehend anything nor was there activity in the thought, as if there was a kind of insensibility inside. The moment I gave up work there was a flow of intensity.
14th January, 1929:
I felt in the morning that there was a thought curtain in between me and my condition, and if that curtain was torn off, then I would come into oneness with, and would dissolve into, the particular condition.
Thought is the rust of reality. The basis of words is thought alone. If thoughts are pure, the words will be pure and effective.
Devotion: Lashing in the wave of the Almighty with unawareness of the fact of what I am doing and for what I am doing it. The highest type of bhakti is the unawareness of oneself, and of the process.
17th January, 1929:
I saw my Master in a dream. On seeing him the emotion of love was so intense that I began to lose my consciousness. In the meantime, my Master called me near himself and told me with pleasure that though not a king, I was a leader in my previous birth and used to practice for God realization, and that was why I had attained speedy progress in this life.
Revered Guide of both worlds.
May you live long!
There are three main defects in this diary. Firstly, I have started telling lies, which I have always hated, but I do not know why and how I commit this, and later on I become conscious of it. The second thing which I have marked recently is ego. It have marked recently is ego. It stings in such a subtle manner that very acute understanding is needed to grasp it. I realize it after it has done its stinging; or when I am lost in some particular thought then I feel its distinct entity.
Due to your kindness and affection, this sensibility is developing that before the onslaught of ego I become aware of its shadow and feel its reflection. Nevertheless, I am influenced by it to some extent. At times I become conscious of it after coming completely under its sway. The third thing is the evil passion which is being experienced from 28th February 1929. But its condition is mostly like that of electricity let loose in space running along with its atoms, i.e., presume for a moment that a current of sensuousness is running inside the body but it does not touch me.
Ego: Ego is said to have been abused by all the present and past writers. The ego gives you strength for all the work. It points out to you that you have got the power to do a certain thing. But we identify ego with the body, instead of with the soul. It is production of God which you cannot annihilate. You should modify it.
Suppose a man has got an immense fortune and he is proud of that. He commits no sin because it does not do harm to body. What happens as a result of it is that the wisdom of the man becomes blunt.
9th and 10th February, 1929:
Excess of loathing in mood. I deem myself to be insignificant. There is so much lethargy and disinterestedness in the mind that even poojd (meditation) is performed with indifference and in name only. It is due to this state that there is an excess of aversion, and adverse effect on the mood. From within there is an urge for work, but lethargy proves to be a hindrance. I disclose my inner feelings to you as my human obligation. It is with much effort, and after much thought, that I find words to express my condition, and to interpret my feeling in some measure, but I cannot say whether these interpretations are correct or not. One surprising phenomenon which I have noted at the time of recording my diary for you perusal is that while writing, my condition becomes dull and inactive, and some inner condition comes to the fore and gives its effect. This gives birth to a feeling similar to that of a man who has not taken wine but has only smelt it.
12th February, 1929:
Condition intense at night, rest as usual.
15th February, 1929:
Did not attend court, so felt much intensity. And in the noon felt an impact of ego.
Note: Whenever I do not go to court I experience intensity, but the intensity is like a blazing spark from which heat has been extracted, yet it retains its glow and glitter.
16th February, 1929:
In the morning it occurred to me during meditation that a Jnani is one who does not lament over the past and is grateful for the present.
17th February, 1929:
Did not go to court. Felt animation throughout the day. At the time of satsangh in the evening, a pleasing sensation was felt in the head and in the forehead.
20th February, 1929:
When I sat for meditation in the morning I felt that from the seat of the spirit within to the forehead, which is perhaps the seat of sensuousness, there was an extremely subtle link like a straight line and the two extremities of the link seemed to be molten. After a while I felt as if the connection with the seat of the spirit was broken, and the thought remained at the seat of sensuousness along. As long as the link between the seat of spirit and sensuousness was there I felt, to an unparalleled extent, thoughts of sensuousness and passions which I have hinted about in the foreword. After a while, the sate ceased to exist. There only remained a tickling in the forehead during the meditation. Thought is stuck to the seat of sensuousness. Peacefulness was so intense that every part of the body seemed to be devoid of sensations. Hands and feet seemed to be lying motionless, wherever they were placed. I was loath to make any movement. After meditation I felt some heaviness in the head which lasted the whole day.
21st February, 1929:
In the night a thought occurred that I should die now. There was an intense yearning in the heart for death which had the idea illustrated in the following couplet:
Death, of which the world is afraid,
Is a pleasure for me. When shall
I die, and attain complete tranquillity?
22nd February, 1929:
Throughout the day the longing for death, and thought about preferability of death over life, persisted. Every thought that came to the mind was of longing for death. Going deeper into the state with the absence of outside feelings in Laya Avastha. There is a still greater state which we can safely call “death of death”. A man who reaches this condition never returns after the span of life is over. It is in this condition that the man actually feels that he is dead in such a very subtle way that the idea of death in such a very subtle way that the idea of death hardly subsists. That means it goes very deep to deepest core of the being, and the condition becomes part and parcel of life.
25th February, 1929:
Experienced evil thoughts at times, and also attachment for them. In the night saw a Saint in a dream. He congratulated me that I had crossed one stage, and said that the next one was also shortly going to be crossed.
26th February, 1929:
Thoughts of sensuousness at the time of Pooja (meditation) in the morning.
27th February, 1929:
Thoughts of sensuousness from a little before the evening satsangh. I was in no mood for satsangh but when I thought of missing it, I experienced a desire to sit therein.
When a man, on his march to freedom, reaches the trikuti or cavernous plexus such conditions occur. The symptom of reaching there is that the abhyasi feels darkness all round even in the sunshine.
1st March, 1929:
No change. In the night it occurred to me that I did not love my Guru. I was at a loss to understand how such love could be generated.
22nd March, 1929:
Last night while Master was transmitting I felt a sort of echo, and a resulting sensation from the middle of the back bone going upwards. In the Sahaj Marg system during our march we come across different experiences relating to the different regions. The points of the spinal cord also begin to give energy for the approach.
Revered Guide of both the worlds, May you live long!
I have to submit that I failed to find topics daily to record in the diary. The reason is that there is much pre-occupation in court work which hinders the path. But God’s will is to be obeyed.
My general condition, as I have been writing to you from time to time, is the same. But one thing has been added. Whenever I indulge in any worldly or spiritual assignment I feel I do not know whether the work is being done by me or by some secret being. Only a machine seems to be in action. Even if I try to assure myself that it is I who am working, the doer is not perceived. In other words it seems as if various faculties, bestowed by God for different purposes, are working of their own accord. For instance, thought does contemplative work. The hand does the work of writing etc. But I am unable to know who is working, because neither do I seem to be working nor does any other being appear to work. If I take myself to be a machine, it will perhaps explain my condition. My condition is like that of the pan of a balance. When some weight is kept on one pan it becomes heavier and when the weight is removed both pans become balanced. To me this analogy illustrates my total condition.
I dreamt that a fellow brother is telling me that Revered Master has sent a letter which contains two instructions for me. The first is that I am to consider the home as a jungle. The other slipped from my memory, and I failed to comprehend its significance. Later, I saw a Saint. He transmitted to me at Aligarh Railway Station. Then I dreamt that I was crossing a river which had a dry passage in the middle and the Saint was standing on the other bank which was quite high. When I reached him he grasped my hands and pulled me up. Thereafter Revered Master transmitted to me.
Next day I saw Revered Master in a dream. I saw that I was sitting on the floor at a distance of about 4 yards from him. The emotion of love was in full sway and intense to such an extent that I was totally unconscious, and some force in the head was pulling me upward. Seeing this my Master beckoned to me to sit closer to Him and then I woke up.
Since a few days my condition has become such that whenever I think of doing something, lethargy does not permit me to do it. Every work is being procrastinated. If new clothes are to be stitched, the time never comes for it. In case some one comes across I ask him to do the work, otherwise not. Mostly I am not conscious of any other personal requirement excepting food. Very often I forget my meals. If my coat is short of a button, the missing button is not replaced. There is procrastination and indifference in every work, particularly my personal work.
Revered Guide of both the worlds.
May you live long!
With respects I submit that I am nothing the diary below, for the period 3rd to 29th March, 1929. I was at Fatehgarh from the 29th of March till the 1st of April. After that the mind remained puzzled due to indisposition and I could not make notes. I have started nothing again from the 11th April.
7th March, 1929:
The condition which formerly used to prevail in changing. At times philosophical thoughts about nature and God resounded in the mind, but I paid no heed to them.
8th March, 1929:
Same condition prevails. In the evening felt anger over trifling things.
9th March, 1929:
In the evening you kindly transmitted at your end and I felt lustrous thoughts roaming in my mind. After that the condition was colourless as long as I sat. In the night I dreamt I passed the examination. I do not know what examination. I was weeping in an overflow of love and was offering thanks to God.
11th March, 1929:
Condition unchanged. At 9 in the night thoughts regarding the creation of the Universe began to resound in the mind. I did not pay much attention to them. In the course of the former thoughts the truth regarding Sat, Raj and Tam began to be reflected before the mind’s eye. I have already clarified those thoughts with you.
12th to 16th March, 1929:
17th March, 1929:
Flames of anger flared up during meditation in the morning. During the day the condition remained such that the world seemed to be a dream.
18th March, 1929:
In the evening, when I participated in the satsangh, for a fraction of a second I was in Samadhi and had a vague idea of some yellow colour. Probably this idea may have been caused by constantly listening to talks about colour.
19th March, 1929:
In the evening my inner condition was having its effect on the outer. The entire world was merged in one and the same state. Unconsciously I was transmitting to the whole of Shahjahanpur. I tried to restrain the effects of transmission but I was helpless. The effect was emanating of its own accord from some inner source. At 11 in the morning I again felt that deserving recipients were getting transmission from me.
20th to 24th March, 1929:
25th March, 1929:
26th to 28th March, 1929:
29th March, 1929 to 1st April, 1929:
Dreamt that I have received a letter wherein the following is written:-
To whom the glory justly due
To those who pride and hate subdue.
Revered Guide of both the worlds.
May you live long!
My condition is as follows:
At time I am stationed at the highest pinnacle of eminence, while at others I fail even to see things on the back of my foot. Sometimes I find myself in a very subtle state, and feel that my thought is connected with something extremely subtle which gives extreme pleasure but does not seem to be related to the senses. And sometimes evil thoughts disturb me so much that I take myself to be a man of the world who has not even known the alpha and omega of spirituality.
20th to 22nd April, 1929:
23rd April, 1929:
Between 10 and 11 a.m. in the morning it was felt that every human being resembled the Master. This feeling is experienced from time to time. It revelation is like a bubble. This state has not developed so far.
27th April, 1929:
Felt at about 9 in the night that a current of pure spirituality was emanating from me and going out, and a thought came to my mind that similarly a current emanated from God at the time of creation of the Universe, and creation came into being. Even now that current is the same and unchanged, provided it is seen with eyes of the heart.
28th April, 1929 to 1st May, 1929:
2nd May, 1929:
Saw Revered Lalaji in a dream during the night. No change.
3rd May, 1929 to 5th May, 1929:
14th May, 1929:
There was some liveliness in the morning after Samadhi. Felt at about 11 that the universe was replete with Divine Love.
15th to 17th May, 1929:
18th May, 1929:
Saw a Saint in a dream. I began to weep under the emotion of love.
19th and 20th May, 1929:
21st May, 1929:
A revered Saint was present in my dream. He said that my being had entered the Tejas of the Revered Master, and I ought to be thoughtful of the Tejas. I thought about how I should meditate on Tejas. Thereafter some person asked me to go home. The saint stated that I could accompany him in the car.
22nd May, 1929:
In the evening my condition remained such that I felt myself to be worthy of reverence, and it behove others to pay homage to me.
23rd May, 1929:
All through the day the above condition prevailed that others were to pay homage to me.
25th to 28th May, 1929:
29th May, 1929:
Dreamt that I was going in an Ekka to the residence of the Master. On the way a fakir with a stick in hand met me. I touched the stick. He, too, accompanied me and derived benefit by sitting in the company of my Master. After submitting my salutations I touched the feet of my Master who remarked that I should not touch his feet. Beyond that I do not recollect anything.
30th May to 3rd June, 1929:
4th June, 1929:
Dreamt that I was going to Fatehgarh with some saint, and a crowd was travelling with me. It seemed that Fatehgarh, from that point, was of several days journey. Passing through all the stages I reached a place from where Fatehgarh was the next stage. Something had become visible one stage prior to the destination, but all of a sudden the Saint fell ill, and so I could not move from there. I woke up after some time.
5th to 7th June, 1929:
8th June, 1929:
In the night there were many experiences which I felt in respect of the revelation of my condition. On awakening in the morning I forgot everything.
On 15th August 1929:
In a dream, I saw the Revered Mahatmaji present with another Saint. The Saint was transmitting to me and extreme peace prevailed. Master had asked the Saint to give such a transmission to me that I may not sleep. There was another holy man there. Probably he was the person who resided with a Saint at Bhogaon. He pointed out that Mahatmaji was going to own every body, and requested him to leave at least one person for him. Thereupon Mahatmaji laughed and did not say anything (Date not remembered). I saw another dream. I am going somewhere with school boys, accompanied by you and another Saint. You have given one transmission to me. While walking I have come to a place where a passage is formed, and a vast grassless field spreads beyond. There is no water, but it gives a false idea of wetness. By seeing it one feels much refreshed and soothed. In short I enjoyed a nice walk in the dream. Beyond that I do not recollect anything.
On the way we came across a river which was very wide. Just after some distance from the middle a passage was formed which was steep below and ran rising upwards. You and I crossed that river. There was some water on the way. We thought that our feet would get wet. But water had no effect. Neither the clothes nor our feet were drenched. Then I came to my baithak where my father used to sit. There a great Muslim divine was present along with another Saint and a personage. I did not recognize that personage. The great Muslim divine asked that personage to inspect my backbone. So m shirt was removed and the inspection was made. He seemed to be pleased with me. He remarked that the condition was very good, and there was some hint regarding the emotion of love which I bore for my Guru. He directed me to request the Mahatmaji Maharaj to pay special attention and to give special instruction to my humble self. I intimated Revered Lalaji Saheb accordingly. He also asked me to keep him informed regarding my condition. What he meant at that time seemed to me as if my humble self had been ordered by him to look towards him also.
1st November, 1929:
At noon the condition became intense. Dreamt in the night that I was having a tonga ride in Lucknow. I lost my way. Mahatmaji came and guided me. Then I came on the right path. There was a kothi there, and there were trees of different species. I paid no heed to them. Moving from there I reached a room somewhere. The door of the room was closed from outside and there was no way visible. Mahatmaji Maharaj opened the door and took me out. And I felt as if I had been an exile in the forest for 12 years and that was why the calamity had befallen me. There the picture of the Pandava’s exile appeared before my eyes and I found that I was one of the Pandavas. Arjuna is in fetters and chains. Bhima is sitting near the kitchen. Seeing the plight of Arjuna I became much displeased because I considered myself to be one of the Pandavas. I do not recollect whether I took myself to be Bhima or Nakula, or one of the other brothers. I desired to punish he captor of Arjuna. But I came to know through Bhima that only five minutes remained for the exile period of 12 years to end. So I restrained myself. The limit of 12 years period expired and I woke up. During the dream, in my thoughts and those of the Pandavas there was only this difference that the Pandavas considered Lord Krishna as their Master while I took Guru Maharaj as my Master.
2nd November, 1929:
Condition unchanged. During the night the state of ‘I am the Master’ came into being.
3rd November, 1929:
Condition became intense at the time of noon and it was felt that some thought current was descending from head to feet and anahat was in sway, and the sound vibrations were being produced resounding inside the body. Dreamt at night that I was sitting across a bridge with two brothers and a fakir. The fakir wanted to give transmission to me. But one of the brothers told him that I was initiated and he could not give transmission to me. The fakir did not care and gave transmission to me. But it was of on avail. Then one of the brothers began to transmit to me. But the other brother absorbed all of the transmission. The transmitting brother informed me that he very much wanted to be attentive to me but other people restrained him from doing so. For example transmission had been given to me but had been absorbed by the other.
Anahat - Music of the Spheres.
There is a sound ever present eternally, which is not heard except by those who, by Divine Grace, have developed inner perception. This is Anahat Ajapa.
We meditate on the heart. During the meditation we naturally go deeper and deeper, till we come across the natural vibrations which are sounded “Om”. It is a clue that one has started touching the “Upper” which ultimately reveals its own character. When ajapa is felt in the heart, it begins to travel all over giving its stress at the plexus, till it is felt throughout the entire being. Anahat really begins when one arrives on his march at the trikuti or the cavernous plexus, if charging there is in full sway. In any case, if anahat is not started while an abhyasi has his reach in the cavernous plexus, then it is the duty of the Master to start it at that point. This is the time mature for it. It can be taken even earlier, but Master is the only authority to judge it.
4th November, 1929:
5th November, 1929:
At 10 a.m. I was going to the court on an Ekka. On the way a powerful thought of ‘I am the Guru’ came into being and I felt that I was the Master of the whole universe, and that the entire world was running to my orders. I have described this condition in my letter which you have perused.
6th November, 1929:
The thought of ‘I am the Guru’ in sway.
10th November, 1929:
11th November, 1929:
The inner condition came to the fore. This happened at 11 in the morning.
12th November, 1929:
Felt somewhat uneasy at 10 a.m. Longed to sit in some forest and be freed from the household worries which created heat in the mind. In the evening felt much anger and had its effect for a long time.
13th November, 1929:
Condition of self-forgetfulness unchanged. It became more intense in the afternoon.
14th to 16th November, 1929:
No change. Felt liveliness at noon.
20th November, 1929:
At about 10 a.m., it was felt that all the souls were from the Guruji Maharaj. This state lasted for a short time. There was intensity at noon. The above mentioned condition comes to the fore frequently but has not attained permanency.
21st to 23rd November, 1929:
Condition unchanged. Intensity increased.
24th November, 1929:
Much intensity prevailed during the day and it was felt as if my faculities were awakened and directly related to the parabrahmanda or macrocosm.
25th November, 1929:
In the morning I went to the house of a physician to get medicine. I went by a shortcut which passed through a graveyard. I was about to reach the physician’s house when a spiritual state commenced, in which the effulgence of Guruji Maharaj was pervading all over, and the condition of this effulgence was very pleasant. This thought was coming into being that it was I who made the trees grow and rendered them fruit-bearing, and bestowed fertility to the earth and so on. I tired to preserve this phenomenon. But the liveliness lasted for about two hours and then began to diminish. However this state was more in evidence in the jungle but comparatively less in inhabited places.
26th November, 1929:
27th November, 1929:
Saw Guruji Maharaj and another saint in a dream. Forgot the dream but remember this much that I derived benefit.
28th November, 1929:
At night, at the time of going to sleep, I felt that there is a thought line with the saints of the past and they are attentive towards me. Their eyes are focused on me. In the night I dreamt that there is a garden with a temple in it, and near the temple there is a terrace. Lord Krishna is standing on that terrace. On seeing me Lord Krishna came down the terrace and embraced me. I became overwhelmed with the love of Guruji Maharaj and began to weep in his memory. One surprising thing which I marked was that while embracing me Lord Krishna merged with my body, and on the merger I felt that my body was subtle from head to foot. I was conscious of the subtle body just as a wrestler and a worshipper of physique experience sturdiness in the body. Even during sleep I felt myself to be wide awake after this dream. This state of feeling the body to be subtle lasted the whole night and was felt on awakening also.
29th November, 1929:
Condition unchanged. At 7 in the evening I felt that the eyes of the Saints of the past are focused on me. I experienced this phenomenon when I went into meditation.
30th November, 1929:
I was going to the court at 10-30 a.m. Felt at that time that I am the Master of the universe. This divine condition prevails all the time these days. On the lightest activity in the net-work of thought the process of feeling commences.
Guide of nine in both the worlds, May God bless you!
After salutations it is submitted that I consider it necessary to inform you of conditions that have prevailed over me in the near past or are prevailing at present.
On 1st November, 1929 at about 8 in the night an inner condition expanded and by means of that phenomenon a picture of my own condition pervaded the whole body from head to foot. Thought had merged in oneness with that condition. So to say it had drowned in it. And that condition was producing the idea of ‘I am the Guru’ from head to foot. That is to say everything having been dissolved in that condition had become real, and was proclaiming it by the slogan ‘I am the Guru’ silently but enthusiastically. Courage was boundless. The feeling was present that I could do everything, and I considered myself to be master of everything. For a while I remained absorbed in this thought. But having limitless courage and the coming of such thought, I took to be ego. So, coming out of the condition in which I was deep down, I remained diverted towards lighter thoughts so that the thoughts of possession and omnipotence (which I had taken to be ego) might not be experienced.
Remained diverted to this phenomenon for some time. Later on I retired for the night after taking my meals. At about 10 in the night I began to recite a Bhajan “Mine is God – and none else.” Again that phenomenon came into being. The above mentioned condition is frequently experienced during day time. Self- forgetfulness is experienced. The condition of forgetfulness and moderation mostly remains and makes me feel dissolution.
On 8-11-1929 I felt that events that are happening in town seem to be waving within me. On thinking of somebody, or on coming across somebody, his character and all the troubles and comforts of his future life are mirrored before the eyes. In case the thought grows stronger, that which shall happen to them in the next birth begins to become evident. I do not pay heed to this condition. Events happening in the town, and the atmosphere prevailing over the town, are constantly producing waves. Pain is frequently caused, and at times acts like a stone in silent waters. These conditions often come intensely and I have been duly informing your Holiness because, to my imperfect thinking, that state was not to my liking and seemed to be a trap. The position is in keeping with the line:
“Enlightenment of intellect! Thou hast become my trouble.”
At this time events which are happening and events which are forming waves i.e., which have not yet happened, are both experienced. Some power particularly restrains my thought from being inclined towards such events, and does not help in reading the present and future events that are taking place in the town. This power puts the thoughts into fetters and chains, but even then the thought runs to them to some extent, and waves remain as they are.
The other significant thing which is to be brought to the notice of your Holiness is as follows: (This will reveal my moral condition to you). I am so much harassed in the house that at times I feel like running away from the home while at others I have a mind to cause injury to myself, though I am helpless. As soon as I reach home either one or the other method is adopted that either I feel angry for nothing, or I am forced to resort to indecency. This is why I inculcated the habit of anger. Due to this I have to undergo many losses, as for instance the breaking of some article. Anger is mostly confined to the home only. In seclusion, when God is particularly benign, I find solace. Otherwise some such thing is presented, the acceptance of which is either against reason or wish, and the not doing of which is advisable. Such things occur mostly when I return from the court, or am tired after hard labour. Someone has said, “The thorns of the Homeland are better than roses and raihan.” Anger flares up very quickly and for trifling matters, but when it subsides there is no animosity or ill-will. Rather I feel inclined to touch his feet. Because of having become habituated to anger at home, some excuse or the other is sought for becoming angry. A few months back this state had diminished to a large extent. Now it has increased a lot and temper has often become peevish. Many spiritual problems and many insoluble propositions present themselves of their own accord, but when there is purity in great measure they are solved. The observations which I have been hearing from time to time from our saints help like axioms of Euclid in solving the knots, and act as lamps on the wayside. But such things do not give me any pleasure as I am not in the least inclined towards them. My only concern is with the Master.
May God bestow eternal grace on you.
After due salutations I have to submit that before submitting my diary for your perusal I am noting down some conditions in concise form. Thoughts of masterhood and omnipotence are always present; for instance the thought that it is because of me that there is growth in trees; I give life to animate objects, and all the activity in the world is a manifestation of my power. I am the Master of the entire universe; the warmth in the sun is from me; it is my law of nature which is working in the world, and so on. These conditions, as described by Lord Krishna in the Geeta, are being experienced by me and seem to be eternal. Love is becoming worldwide. The curtain of separate-ness has disappeared. The defects and imperfections of others do not come into view. I pray every moment voluntarily for the well-being and good of man. And whatever I get, I share with all. When I find some one in trouble, or see somebody entrapped in any particular thought of worldliness or devilry, my hands go up in prayer as if it has become my second nature. I feel one and the same condition inside and outside. That is to say, the thought running in mind towards spirituality is felt to be in such a condition of subtlety that it cannot be likened even to the subtlest possible thing. In it there is neither any colour nor shape, nor any fervour, and it is always in the same condition is felt to be pervading the whole world, but in a very subtle manner. I am always respectful, with a particular condition.
1st December, 1929:
Left for Kanpur. Felt liveliness during the journey.
2nd December, 1929:
Stay at Kanpur since afternoon. Felt intense liveliness.
3rd to 5th December, 1929:
6th December, 1929:
Since morning it was experienced that every atom had a godly condition, and felt affection for every atom. Meditating upward on the head it was experienced that an everlasting effulgence was descending over the head, and that a Saint was sitting there engaged in the remembrance of God.
7th December, 1929:
The above condition unchanged. In the night saw in a dream that my Master was sitting on the upper side of the cot and I was sitting at the nether side. He told me that he was much pleased with me for I had worked very hard and, with my hard work, had merged in him. He put his hand on that part of my face where the beard grows and remarked that such and such parts of my face resembled his, and he bestowed a boon upon me.
8th December, 1929:
At about 10 in the morning it was felt that my thought was going to such a place which had pitch darkness. The colour of that darkness could be likened to that time of the dawn when the face of a man is not visible. The same day I went to Village Barnai. There at noon I felt that a subtle current was emanating from my body which was giving life and freshening up the whole world.
9th December, 1929:
At 8 in the morning there was much detachment in me, and I yearned to go to Lakshman Jhoola at Rishikesh in the hills. The imaginary picture had formed of Master’s play with it; I was like an insane, taking food with him and doing things which children usually do. The same day at about 11-30 in the morning I felt a desire to run away from the court to a field somewhere where there was absolute solitude. No such place was nearby. So I was desirous to sit in remembrance of God in some spacious field at Lodhipur (a village) across the railway bridge. But it seemed that the reins were in the hands of somebody else who did not permit me to go. In the evening every person seemed to have the form of the Master. His being was manifest in animate objects, minerals and vegetation and this condition became very intense in the evening at 6 p.m.
13th December, 1929:
Condition remained unpleasant.
14th December, 1929:
Condition remained unpleasant till 11 o’clock. It transpired that it was a divine blissful condition. After 1 o’clock bliss was experienced but it was disturbed in the record room. After that the condition was felt to be easy, so much so that the next day hollowness increased.
15th to 17th December, 1929:
Condition was pleasant, and subtlety increased.
19th to 23rd December, 1929:
No special change in the condition.
24th to 31st December, 1929:
Stayed in a village where I could not write the diary. I repeat that I feel that I am directly connected with the world above. Formerly I used to see God. Now God seen me. Eyes of the Saints of the past are directly focused on me and I often see the Divine glow of their eyes.
My dear brother,
With blessings for your development I have to say that what you have described in respect of your progress and stages of development, may God make auspicious. They are not manifestation of ego, rather they are encouraging. You should be thankful for them. They will then disappear. If they are attributed to God then there is not conceit. Since they are from God one had no hand in it. “This boon is not got by the might of arm if it is not bestowed by God, the bountiful.”
Condition of conditionlessness is good, and this is lasting. It is good to be tormented. Home is the school for tolerance and meekness. According to one way of thinking, patience in such things is considered to be penance, and is superior to other kinds of penances. So instead of sorrow and resentment one should resort to ‘Gairat’. Repentance is that emotion when one, being absued and chided by others, feels as if one himself is at fault and then one has to resort to patience. For others, jungles, seclusion and solitude are the ways of achieving patience, endurance, and freedom from the turmoils of the world, while for us the scoldings, taunts and scoffs of the family members, friends and worldly persons are true penance. God willing submissiveness and surrender also shall follow.
NOTE: Gairat is a feeling that a person himself is at fault, although he is not really at fault.
REPLY TO MY LETTER FROM THE REVERED MAHATMAJI MAHARAJ
Blessings. Got your letter and it gave pleasure to my heart. May God bestow His blessings and favours on you and take you to high stages. At one time I was anxious that none of my companions should so develop that even if they are not worthy to be the dust of the feet of the Saints of the past, they, at least, might not be a stigma to my humble self. Thank God! Due to the blessings of great Saints such symptoms are in evidence now which show that they enjoy the divine blessings, and it is very probable that you, too, may be one of them. All this is the gift of Saints, but this boon is not because of the might of the arm, and cannot be obtained unless and until it is bestowed by God, the bountiful. The love, companionship and affection of your preceptor is to be considered enough. By God he is a man of love. Love alone is a dynamic thing. May God keep you and others under the shadow of His benignity.
I have great hopes from dear Rameshwar Prasad. He too is a man of love. May the all-pervading bountifulness of God provide him with the patronage and affection of the great Saints so that his determination and object may assume permanent shape. Brother, disciples are numerous and guides very rare. These days even disciples are to be found very sparingly. This is a boon of the Saints of the order that distinction cannot be made between the disciples and our associates, otherwise it is very difficult to be a disciple. Whenever the associates get the effect of companionship or feel the breeze of gaze they, for a while, are awakened and again slip away when the fire becomes dim and stop attending the satsangh. Their personal attachment and emotion is in name only. But even this is enough that whenever a wave comes they begin to wave. They are men who keep the feet of their determination firm even without any goading. What is grievance against so and so? They are the companions of opium, charas and ganja. If these are used they are present. (Whose friends are they? They only smoke and slip away). When blessings of Go descend they also have a fit and then revert to their original condition. What is there to complain about Pandit so and so. I feel perhaps in one whole year the average shall be two months when he flares up. Even then there is sometimes a craze for newspapers and sometimes for drama. The crux of the matter is that he alone is successful who he attracts. You and I beat hands and feet for nothing. When the proper time comes all those people will come to the right path by and by. Emotions and Sanskars of everybody are different and, accordingly, there is a separate time for each one. I intended to go to Allahabad, but I have become old. There is much cold and so courage fails. Hazards of a trainer being loaded in a goods train was not considered proper. So I gave up the idea for the time being. Can’t say what the friends there, who awaited me very anxiously and who had taken entire responsibility for all my comforts, will think. Now I intend to go to Kouch, whenever it is ordained by Him and my livelihood takes me there. Shall go to Allahabad in February. Recently doctors in Europe have discovered that if the face has a sufficient growth of hair (which is called beard) there is a natural support to combat dental diseases, and troubles are lessened. So, if you feel inclined to have the courage to put up with the taunts and scoffs of people, then left the hair grow. Love to children.