VI 1930 -The Autobiography of Ram Chandra Vol I
Revered Guide of both the worlds.
May you live long!
After salutations I have to submit that before noting down my diary for January 1930, I am writing something as synopsis which throws light on my condition. In every atom of the universe i.e. in minerals, vegetation and animate beings I feel the manifestation of the Real Being as I have mentioned in my previous diary. Now the difference is that this condition is becoming very subtle. That is to say this realization is becoming very subtle and delicate, but the feeling of “The world is nothing but the reflection of the face of the friend” prevails. The sense of selfhood and myness has totally vanished. God has bestowed on me the wordly comforts of house, zamindari etc. also, but I have not the least attachment to them. That is, due to your kindness I now do not feel myself attached with anything. So to say I have broken the links. The world seems to be a regular theatre, and people seem to be playing a role in the theatre, and I am enjoying their play. And thereby I derive the same pleasure which men do when they see the drama after purchasing tickets and are happy.
There seems to be uniformity in love. Ties of relationship seem to have been severed. I have as much respect for my servant as for my respected father. I have as much love for the sons of other people as I feel for my own son. I have as much regard for a dog as I have for my own person, as if my own existence and that of a dog are identical. I also consider gold and earth to be the same. I see the pious and the wicked with one eye.
The second phenomenon is that I often weep out of love of God’s creation, and consider the remains of their food to be a sacred Prasad and get much inclined to eat the food left over by others. One may belong to any caste or creed, but I consider taking his left-over food permissible as Prasad. Existence seems to be non-existent. Formerly I used not to feel my own existence, and now the existence of none is felt. A few months back I used to pay homage to my own self. Now I take the entire world to be worthy of homage ad respect. I feel darkness inside and outside too. In spite of the light of the sun the notion of darkness is there. I feel the influence of the inner on the outer. No wonder if the inner and the outer become one. One thing is always felt on meditation that the effect of the condition of the Master is pervading into my inner self, and that is different from transmission.
For the last few days I have constantly been feeling that the sacred beings of the Saints of the past are in oneness with my being. I cannot elucidate this condition further. There is spiritual ipso-facto absorption while sitting, getting up, sleeping or awakening, but this does not give satisfaction, and there is a craving for more absorption.
1st January, 1930:
Condition unchanged, but more intense.
3rd to 4th January, 1930:
5th January, 1930:
Love for fellow beings remained very intense and I often wept.
6th January, 1930:
At about 10 in the morning while taking meals I felt that people of the world and particularly wife and sons were selfish. This thought repeatedly came like an experience.
7th January, 1930:
The above condition prevailed and the following condition exists. “I become you, You become me. I become body, you become soul, so that none may say after this that I and you are different.” All along the day condition remained like the after effects one feels after intoxication. It was unpleasant.
8th January, 1930:
Today also condition remained similar. At about 1 p.m. bliss was felt to be descending. Unpleasantness continued upto 6 p.m., only. At 6-30 in the evening a very forceful bliss descended. I began to recite this verse.
“Longing for selling the head is now in our heart.
It is to be seen how much strength there is in the arm of our assassin.”
Condition was very inspirational and remained so for long. In the night saw a Saint in a dream. Dreamt that I called upon him after partaking of some food at the house of a relative. The Saint was relaxing on a cot. That day was Janmashatami. I submitted that the day was Janmashtami and I had observed fast to bring digestion in order. He asked me with great affection to lie down on his cot. So I lay down. After that I do not remember the dream.
9th January, 1930:
In the morning condition remained very serene and pleasant, and this sentiment prevailed that it was permissible to partake of food left over by anybody. I felt much inclined to do so since I felt that Guruji Maharaj was present in every body and the left-over food would be equivalent to Prasad.
10th January, 1930:
11th January, 1930:
No change, Felt from 5-30 to 7 p.m., that I was transmitting to the entire world with absorption. During the night the absorption was more intense.
12th January, 1930:
While sleeping in the noon I dreamt that at some place the floor was carpeted and some persons were sitting there. One of them asked me to explain the method of my sadhana. I did so and gave him strong transmission from the point of the heart. When I woke up I felt that I was transmitting. Absorption was intense during the night.
13th January, 1930:
Condition could not be experienced because of influenza, temperature and body-ache though I felt oneness in condition.
14th January, 1930:
The above mentioned condition lasted the whole day. In the evening while I was sitting I felt that nothing has its existence. All the people seemed to be like pictures on the cinema-screen.
15th January, 1930:
The above condition prevailed.
16th to 21st January, 1930:
Felt that I do not have entangling love for my mother, father and brother etc. Oneness in affection was felt. Ties of worldly relations also seemed to have been severed.
22nd January, 1930:
In the evening sat in meditation. Intense condition of love was generated and I strongly felt an urge to recite loudly the following couplet of Kabir in ecstasy:
“Doors and walls are mirrors, Wherever I glance I see thee.
Pebbles, stones and broken pieces have become looking glass for me.”
and clasping your feet I wanted to weep and clasping your feet I wanted to weep excessively. And in that very condition prayed that God may bestow more love on my brothers.
23rd January, 1930:
While I was having my meals at about 10 in the morning, I experienced an emotion which urged me to pay homage to everybody, and I was paying respects from the core of my heart.
24th January, 1930:
The above condition prevailed. Felt at about 9 in the night that my myness and selfhood had totally vanished and that I had not attachment with anything. Existence seemed to be non-existent.
25th January, 1930:
The above condition prevailed throughout the day. At 5-30 in the evening when I was buying vegetables in the market I felt that the world was a theatre and everybody was playing a part, and that I was a spectator.
26th January, 1930:
The above condition prevailed the whole day. In the night I dreamt that I was sitting at your place with a satsanghi and you also were present. He asked me to transmit to him when I was beyond myself. You told him that I was beyond myself at all times. Then I left your place and went to the residence of my late uncle. There Guruji Maharaj was sitting on the nether side of a cot with Pandit Rameshwar Prasad. I remained standing as a mark of respect. Guruji Maharaj told me that I did not need to be respectful as I was beyond myself. So I sat on the cot towards the upper end. Mahatmaji asked me to partake of rice as my diet.
27th January, 1930:
There was much absorption during day.
28th January, 1930:
At 10 in the morning I very much wanted to touch the feet of everybody. Emotion of love for fellow beings was very intense. In the evening or returning from the court I became much enraged for not getting refreshment according to taste, and anger became intense of 9 in the night.
29th January, 1930:
The condition which had been prevailing for the last few days, that existence was non-existent, became very intense, and the existence of everything seemed to have vanished. During the night pangs for union with Friend God were very acute and, on that count, there was a sort of nervousness. Condition was like that of a man who has been plunged into water and endeavours to come out of the water.
30th January, 1930:
Pangs were acute in the morning also. Felt at 10 in the morning that there was no difference between me and a filthy dog, and there seemed to be darkness everywhere in spite of the light of the sun. Dreamt in the night that you strongly transmitted to me along with others of the assembly, and that I presented gold buttons to you as a mark of affection. You remarked that the buttons ought to have been accompanied by an apparel. I do not remember the dream after that, but I do recollect this much that, during the dream, the condition was somewhat strange, the pleasure of which is known to the heart along. Experienced a reeling sensation in the head on awakening.
31st January, 1930:
In the morning after meditation there was the feeling that the existence of Saints of the past, of the Holy Prophet and of myself are all one and the same. This phenomenon was experienced throughout the day. In the evening there was a feeling at your place that “I am everything.”
LETTER TO MASTER ALONG WITH DIARY FOR FEBRUARY, 1930
Revered Guide of both the worlds!
May you live long!
With respect I beg to say that before noting down my diary for February 1930 I am writing down my condition. During this month over and above the conditions which I have written to you from time to time, which seem to have assumed permanency, some new things have come into being. The condition of “I am Braham” or “I am everything” prevailed and I have had fits from time to time. I deemed myself to be Rama, Krishna and other Saints of the past the purity and bliss of the dust of whose feet cannot be compared with any worldly object, and are even beyond the comprehension of human intellect and understanding. Whenever mention of any Saint is made I feel that it is about me, and there arises not the least doubt or misgiving in this thought. It was also felt that it was not the highest good, and I found my thought and surat soaring beyond this idea. The pangs were as usual. The sense of high connections was frequently intense and it was in such a manner that I felt the relationship with the Saints of the past to be very close, just as the water in two different cups becomes one when poured into one cup. Blessings of the Saints seem to be raining down on me every moment. When I think of my God I feel Him lost in the thought of my humble self. Rest is unchanged.
1st February, 1930:
At 10 in the morning the feeling of “I am Brahma” was very intense. In the evening when I went into meditation with you I felt that I was in oneness with your being. A divine current did come from you, but this giving and taking seemed to be like a duty.
2nd February, 1930:
3rd February, 1930:
At 11 when I got up after taking food I felt that I was Rama and Krishna. At about 12 in the noon the feeling of ‘I am God’ was experienced with intensity.
4th February, 1930:
Condition unchanged in the day. In the evening from 6-30 to 9 condition of peculiar intensity prevailed. In the night also condition remained intense and pleasant. Heart also throbbed a lot. I do not find words to explain this condition. It will not be out of place to call this night the Shab-e-Qadr.
Shab-e-Qadr can literally be translated as Esteemed night, or a night to be esteemed. Muslims believe that the Shab-e-Qadr occurs during Ramzan, and if a person remembers God during that night he acquires the merit of having remembered God for a thousand nights. This term is used metaphysically in Urdu and Persian literature.
5th February, 1930:
Condition unchanged. Dreamt in the night that I was lying on a masehra (canopied bed) and was indisposed. A dear relative was present there. There was some apprehension of cholera, but there was no pain whatsoever. I was weeping in memory of Mahatmaji Beyond this I do not remember.
6th February, 1930:
Condition remained very pleasant till 10 in the morning. In the evening while sitting at your place I went into samadhi for a fraction of a second. In the meantime some words reverberated inside me by themselves. The words were, “Whatever I have got I have given to you. Whatever remains is also yours.”
7th February, 1930:
Condition unchanged during the day. Dreamt after 4 in the morning that a group of fakirs had assembled. One of them who was called Swami Atmanand was also sitting and there was another person near him. I was feeling that Swami Atmanand was transmitting to me but I was certain that the transmission was from my Guru Maharaj, and I was weeping in memory of Guruji. In the meantime I also saw the Guruji. Beyond this I do not recollect anything. I have never seen Swami Atmanand but, on enquiry, I came to know that his features and face were identical with what I had seen in the dream.
8th February 1930:
9th February, 1930:
In the night dreamt that Mahatmaji Maharaj had been with me for many days, and had transmitted to me a number of times during that period.
14th February, 1930:
Throughout the day thoughts to this effect came to mind that it was permissible to have hundreds of meditation to lead a man to the path of God, or to free him from worldly troubles. At 7 in the night the question of right and wrong engaged my mind. What seemed to be the right thing was being absorbed and the wrong discarded. One thought that came to the mind was that it was wrong a steal or rob. Satsangh is beneficial and imperative, but there is n harm if it missed because of doing service to mankind.
15th February, 1930:
There was much intensity in the condition. Due to the indisposition of my respected father I had to keep awake and run hither and thither. Condition of moderation prevailed in the mind.
26th February, 1930:
During the whole day I had a feeling of high connections within myself, and felt close relationship with Saints, living and bygone.
27th February, 1930:
28th February, 1930:
Went to Lucknow and, at 3 in the afternoon, while returning, the feeling of “All is Brahma” was experienced, but it was light. Further I beg to say that when I am in semi-samadhi state, or drowsiness prevails over me, I feel hundreds of soundless things. If attention is paid many of those things may be comprehended. As for instance, ‘the wall has fallen down, age it repaired. I will make payment. Or If I do not gulp this much wine my name is not Nannhu, etc.’ Even after much thought I failed to follow the significance of this.
Revered Master of both the worlds.
May you live long!
After salutation I beg to submit that after nothing down my diary for March 1930 I am giving a synopsis of events for your perusal. During February 1930 the feeling of ‘I am Brahma’ prevailed. Now in March 1930 I went on experiencing that ‘All is Brahma’. Condition is being experienced to be that of ‘Without all and with all’. This will perhaps be illustrated adequately by the following verse:-
“I am the slave of the courage of that person who forges relationship with a thing under the blue sky, and still remains free from it”.
For some days there was a feeling that you were casting your influence direct on the heart to mend it. Now I find the condition of heart much better than before, though sensuousness has its light attacks sometimes even now. But such attacks do not last for more than half a minute or a minute. Mind seems to be slightly inclined towards moderation. Uneasiness prevails in some shape or the other every moment. At times, due to its becoming very intense, uneasiness overtakes me, and there is intense desire for union with the Friend, and longing for reaching the culmination is heightened. The emotion of love and the subtle relationship or connection is not restricted to this world alone. Rather, it is felt to be existing with the spiritual world and with innumerable Saints of the past as well. A very close and direct relationship with the Saint bygone is felt and, whenever I meditate, the springs of Divine grace seem to be descending from above. Identical condition prevails both inside and outside. Everywhere the condition of moderation seems to be overcast and there is a feeling that Reality is being revealed, just as musk and rose fulfil the role of their creation by emanating their sweet smells instinctively, irrespective of the fact whether somebody’s mind turns towards the containers of perfumes due to their sweet smells, or not. That is to say such a condition has come into being within me in which the region of thoughts has expanded, and its expansion is felt to a very large extent but which I have restricted upto Shahjahanpur only due to my narrowness of vision. Included in that expansion I find the well-being of humanity, their protection from calamities and their prosperity to be my duty, and the effect of my transmission goes on of its own accord, unconsciously. When I am quiet transmission comes out of the mind and spreads in the span of that thought. That transmission is very soothing and the thought needs of that place seem to be fulfilled by the transmission of my humble self.
1st March, 1930:
Feeling of “All is Brahma” remained unchanged. Dreamt in the night that a Saint transmitted to me. I felt a sort of sensation in the head near the jaw. Then I requested a brother to recite a song but I woke up before he started reciting.
2nd and 3rd March, 1930:
Condition remained unchanged.
4th March, 1930:
Saw a dream in the night of which I recollect some part, that is, I am going somewhere, at times in a car and at times in some other conveyance, till I have arrived at some place on a roof. There was a path for coming down the roof, but the staircase was broken and unstable. I felt that it would come down with the weight of one man. There was darkness as well. All the surrounding roofs were in the dark. I had my young son in my lap. I did not dare to come down the stairs. The thought of Guruji Maharaj was there with me alright, but at that time the thought of some great Muslim Saint also came. With the coming of the thought there was a gas-like light all of a sudden, and I immediately got down the stair with courage. After that I woke up.
5th to 9th March, 1930:
10th March, 1930:
Dreamt in the night that I was escorting my elder aunt to Lucknow. On alighting from the train I saw there was an exit which hand a ladder affixed to go up. I climbed the ladder but the door was so narrow that it was impossible to enter through it. I tried to go up through the narrow door along with luggage. In the meantime the guard opened the door through which I reached up easily. From there I reached Kanpur. I went on talking with a friend while eating my bread. Meanwhile I noticed that some revered Saint was weeping. I consoled here. She embraced me, calling me her son. Another revered Saint was also there. Derived benefit from him. On the same night my wife dreamt that I had come back from Kanpur, had been attacked by a cow, and that I was dead.
11th March, 1930:
As usual felt grace descending a number of times in court and, as a result of that grace, I wanted to go to sleep.
12th March, 1930:
During the night I felt that at the trikuti the sound i.e. shabda reverberated in a manner similar to a faint sound which is produced by the sprouting forth of a seed of gram sown in a field.
13th March, 1930:
There was excess of sensuality upon 3 a.m. After 4 a.m., the condition of the heart was much relaxed, similar to that of a driver who feels relaxed when his engine reaches the destination, and the steam and fire are extinguished.
14th March, 1930:
Dreamt that I am in a house at Aligarh. The arrival of baraat (marriage party) was awaited there. It was to arrive from Kanpur or Fatehgarh, and would include, among the relations, the Master and the revered Saint. I remained in that house, and three days passed weeping in memory of the Master. Then the baraat arrived and the revered Saint sat on an elevated terrace. When I began to climb over the terrace three monkeys rushed at me. I ordered one of them to come beneath one tree and the other one under another tree. They obeyed my order. Third third monkey took me up in a flash to the revered Saint. He was very pleased and remarked that I had served well. Then I went inside the room. Weeping and uneasiness continued out of lover. All the people were entertained with cold drinks, while I was given a pint of brandy which I was permitted to partake of by the revered saint. After that I woke up. Saw that the morning was quite advanced.
15th March, 1930:
Condition of mind was very pleasant and seemed to be within my control, and sensuality was absent.
17th March, 1930:
Felt slight pain to the right of trikuti at 9 in the morning.
18th to 21st March, 1930:
22nd March, 1930:
In the morning the condition was such that I was giving mild transmission to the whole of Shahjahanpur. This condition remained intense upto 10 in the morning.
23rd to 25th March, 1930:
26th March, 1930:
Of its own accord the thought of Hazrat Mohammad dominated in the night, and the same thought continued when I woke up in the morning.
27th March, 1930:
Felt much expansion in thought, and realized that the sphere of my transmission which I had wrongly taken to be confined to Shahjahanpur alone, due to my short-sightedness, extended upto a very long distance. By looking beyond, eyes become dazzled and the limit does not seem to be visible. I felt that all the inhabitants of Shahjahanpur were receiving divine grace from me, and their prosperity and well-being seemed to be my responsibility.
28th March, 1930:
The above condition remained unchanged.
29th March, 1930:
Dreamt in the night that I was on a terrace along with another person. Meanwhile a tiger came out of a den. After that came two cubs, and smoke came out from the ear of the tiger. Seeing the tiger I began to run inside the house, and started to close the door, but that tiger came inside and tired to attack me. Meditating on the form of Guruji Maharaj I grappled with that tiger for some time but how could a man match a tiger? At last the paws became free from my grasp. The tiger tired to devour me. I to lack of love on my part no succor seemed to be arriving. Helplessly I requested for some moment’s reprieve. The purpose of reprieve was to meditate on Guruji Maharaj for a few moments at the last moment but it refused to give me time. Then I told the tiger that if it devoured me I would curse it, and its entire race would become extinct. Because of this fear the tiger let me go.
Reply dated 12th April 1930 from Mahatma Ram Chandra of Fatehgarh, the Guru of this humble Ram Chandra of Shahjahanpur, concerning previous diaries :
My dear brother,
May God bless you with longevity.
I received your detailed letters in respect of your conditions. They were a source of pleasure for my heart. The descent of divine light and effulgence is a blessing of God. I want to shed light on all your conditions, feelings and experiences one by one, and all this will be possible when I have time and leisure. I have been travelling, and even now the travel has not ended. Probably I will be going to Etah tomorrow or the day after, and thence to Brindaban. Return shall be by the evening of 20th April provided the pain permits me to travel. It has been troubling me for the last two days but it is not felt all the time. It has been decided to hold the annual gathering in the month of Moharram. Intimation will be sent later on. At present, descent of more grace and effulgence is expected. This stage of ‘All is Brahma’ is intermediary. It is not lasting, and neither should one stay at this stage. Providence helping, you shall get the good news of stepping beyond this stage. Amen. The condition of other people there comes to my knowledge through the letters of your preceptor. I am grateful to God for the conditions which descend upon one particular person. May God bless him with the permanency of those conditions. Others either do not describe them or lack the ability to give expression to their thoughts. But I think they do not feel them. Most of the people go on doing puja ritualistically. The real urge and pang and restlessness is not there, otherwise they would definitely have experienced the conditions, and every day a new life would have been infused in them. Nevertheless even this is enough and thousand times better than doing nothing. Your preceptor probably becomes nervous. He should be consoled. He is tender-hearted. He becomes disturbed by excess of worries and troubles. Respects to all. Love the children.
LETTER TO THE MASTER ALONG WITH DIARY FOR THE MONTH OF APRIL 1930
Revered Master of both the worlds.
May you live long!
After salutations I have to submit that I am nothing down the synopsis of my diary of April 1930. Later on I shall give the events datewise. Formerly the condition of ‘I am Brahma’ prevailed. Then I went on experiencing ‘All is Brahma’. Now it is neither of the two. Godly thought in the mind is diving either in an endless ocean or a limitless barren expanse, and is still engaged in collecting mother of pearls ultimately. Thought seems to be inclined towards Laya Avastha or total absorption. Intellect is becoming acute day by day. Condition remains peaceful and some density is felt in this peace. But notwithstanding this peace there is restlessness and uneasiness. O God! When will this uneasiness end? One thing worth mentioning is this, that formerly I did not deem myself to be a fakir and in case I did so there would have been pure artificiality and hypocrisy. Now in the current month a condition has come into being of its own accord which tends to give the feeling of this humble self being a fakir.
Conditions which have passed seem to be within my control. Whenever I desire the condition already gone through, it comes back, although the revelations are not within my power, nor am I attentive to them. At times, the moment the thought goes into something it becomes revealed. At others, I fail to see even the back of my foot. There is no interest whatsoever in the affairs of the world. While indulging in everything I find myself free from them. When I view the human beings I find the direction of their thoughts downwards i.e. towards worldly affairs, instead of being upwards i.e. towards God. In the in-rush of affection I long to divert their thoughts upwards, and for doing that I possess sufficient courage but lack strength. Ego talks to me face to face, and goes on repeating different types of worthless things, and this phenomenon happens more during semi-samadhi, meditation or drowsiness.
1st April, 1930:
Nothing particular was felt in the condition. It remained as usual.
2nd April, 1930:
Dreamt in the night that I was inside a house with you, and a great Muslim Saint was seated in the courtyard. I sat down to the left of the Saint and noticed that a hand was shaking hands with him. I began to weep excessively in the memory of Guruji Maharaj. On the other side Guruji Maharaj was visible on a verandah, and he told me that it did not behove one to weep at the time of initiation. The Saint said something to the divine Master which implied that there was nothing wrong in my case due to my love. Then putting my hand on his palm he initiated me, and recited two couplets which probably contained promise and commitment. The couplets were in Persian. I followed the meaning at that time but later on forgot it. After that I returned to my house. I asked the cook to prepare fiver loaves of bread of very big size but she prepared only three and told me that they were five in number. Saying this she went away at once. I was very angry with her when she returned When I woke up I felt that the hand which had been having a hand-shake with the great divine was that a Prophet Mohammad.
3rd to 5th April, 1930:
Condition unchanged during the day. I did have the love feeling that my love was not confined to this world alone but was related to the spiritual world, and to the bygone Saints as well.
6th April, 1930:
In the night I saw my Master in a dream. He was sitting on a cot in my maternal house and ordered me to sit facing him. The Preceptor, Pandit Rameshwar Prasad, and my maternal uncle were present there. So also was my deceased cousin. Beyond that I do not recollect anything.
7th April, 1930:
Felt more moderation in the condition.
8th to 12th April, 1930:
Condition as usual; remained moderate.
13th April, 1930:
At about 10 in the night I had a thought that my condition had commenced to be like that of a Saint, and that much caution was needed.
14th April, 1930:
15th April, 1930:
Condition was very peaceful in the night at bed time, and there was a feeling that a Saint was transmitting to me from the seat of ‘Self’.
16th April, 1930:
22nd April, 1930:
Thoughts of sensuality remained resounding in the evening, but as soon as they came they vanished like images in a theatre, and there was a sort of circuit.
23rd to 26th April, 1930:
27th April, 1930:
Had a feeling that my condition was going to undergo some other change.
28th April, 1930:
In the evening had pain in my chest. During meditation felt as if Mahatmaji offered to massage me if pain was very acute.
29th April, 1930:
Drizzle of thoughts very intense from 7 in the evening to 10 in the night. But they left as soon as they came.
30th April, 1930:
LETTER TO THE MASTER WITH DIARY FOR MAY 1930
Revered Master of both the worlds!
May you live long!
First I am giving the synopsis of my diary and will not the datewise events afterwards. In the head where thought is stationed, the condition is beyond both words and expression. This much can be said that subtlety is on the increase day by day. The current which descends on the heart from above indicates subtlety in such a manner just as the feel of one grain of rice in a pot reveals whether the whole of it is cooked or not. The plan of political movement which is drawn in the mind is the plan of a battle field. This I have verbally related to you. One not-worthy thing is that I feel I have taken birth in some heavenly sphere, and that my abode is there, and my stay in this world is like that of a man who goes to the lavatory to ease himself. The condition of that place above can be described neither by the pen nor by the tongue. Only an idea can be gathered from what follows, ‘Just as if there is a star with its faint glitter in a clear sky at the time in between the dawn of the day and early morning. But the star vanishes from sight and there is only a vague idea of the light; or it may be termed as pleasantness in a barren spot.’
1st May, 1930:
In the evening I felt that the thoughts that have been soaring in space and thoughts which are connected to me are falling like moths.
2nd to 6th May, 1930:
Had fits of courage. Nothing else in particular was felt.
8th 10th May, 1930:
The above mentioned political affair continues to prevail. The second thing which came into being was the feeling that my birth was somewhere in the heavenly world, and I was a resident of that place.
11th May, 1930:
In the morning satsangh a problem occurred to mind of its own accord. Why is it that to an exterior looking man the Grihasth fakirs seem to be apparently entangled in the affairs of the world? Since I am not much interested in this aspect I do not write the reasons for it.
13th May, 1930:
Death and life seemed to be similar, and there was so much detachment from the body that had somebody killed me I would not have minded it.
14th May, 1930:
The above mentioned condition prevailed.
15th 21st May, 1930:
Death and life seemed identical.
23rd to 25th May, 1930:
Condition was such as if somebody was conferring grace on me.
29th and 30th May, 1930:
Felt as if Krishna Chakra was in motion to mend the Government, but there was much slowness. Nevertheless it has started moving.
LETTER TO THE MASTER WITH COPY OF DIARY FOR JUNE 1930
Shahjahanpur, Date: July 6, 1930
Master of both the worlds. May you live long!
After salutations I beg to submit that during the month of June my condition took a deep turn. The condition which prevailed prior to this way many times more intense. The existing condition can well be compared to a Babool (Acacia) tree which is neither green in the month of Sravan nor dry in the month of Bhadown. There is neither any effort of spring nor any fear of autumn. Formerly the thought was always diverted towards the mind, and I could intensify it at will, and I felt the condition of that point as well as the point where thought was stationed. Now none of these conditions exist. There is neither the conception of God nor His remembrance. Neither is total absorption felt nor self-consciousness. Nevertheless this conviction persist that I am diverting to Him, but being diverted is not felt. Some Saint has said, “Neither does thought reach there nor does wisdom have access to it”. This seems to the correct. Perchance a vast barren field appears to my view for the fraction of a second, which intimates to me that is my rendezvous, or the field of my activity,
Conditions such as the idea of possessiveness and power; seeing everyone in the form of Guruji Maharaj; my love of God; considering the world to be a play ground of nature; diversion of everybody towards the world and ignorance of the Real Being inspite of the fact that there are manifestations of the Real Being in every man; taking the above position to be the will of God and to regard man as helpless and innocent in this respect etc; all these conditions which were formerly experience were felt this month also. The difference between the conditions that were formerly experienced and those which prevailed during June was only that the present was more subtle than the past, and stay in them was not as long. That is to say the process of recurrence commenced but with more subtlety.
About three years back I had passed through the stage of fear of God which I had brought to your knowledge. That condition recurred this month, but formerly it had fear only while this time it had “loving fear”; just like a man who, having intense love for his beloved, keeps in his mind the caution that he may not deliberately or unconsciously commit any act which may go against the will of his beloved. In other words there is always fear in the back-ground of such an idea, but this fear is now transformed into love. The consciousness which I aspired to have since long has come to prevail because of your affection and kindness. When I get up from sleep I do not feel that I have been asleep, but experience that I was keeping awake. At times on awakening I feel that I have come out of Samadhi. Frequently on awakening I have felt that Nature is utilizing me for some work. Undoubtedly there is this much difference between sleep and wakefulness that in sleep I act without control while in wakefulness I act with control. At times on awakening I realize what I was doing in the dream. The condition of the veils and Chakras in which I sleep during my dreams becomes known sometimes like a vague idea. Methods of teaching come of their own accord to my comprehension in the form of symbols and metaphors, and my courage is increasing. Whenever I meditate I find the Saints of the past and the present attentive to me like rays of the sun casting their full force on the Equator.
In this not a matter of pride for this humble self to have the currents of divine grace (apart from the current which is ever flowing towards me), coming from the existing Saints connected with me? I derive benefit from this, and the same condition prevails in this servant as is experienced by a subject. I have confirmed this many times and found it to be correct.
Due to your kindness I have no worldly worries. There is worry only for the other world. The more intense this worry, the stronger becomes the idea that I have not been able to provide for the other world. I prefer death to life, and await it anxiously.
1st June, 1930:
The condition that usually prevails prevailed.
2nd June, 1930:
Saw a respected Saint twice in the dream, and derived grace.
3rd June, 1930:
During the day the heart was fully charged and the mind absorbed.
4th to 10th June, 1930:
I was on a journey.
11th to 14th June, 1930:
15th June, 1930:
On looking at people I feel pit that they have forgotten themselves, and are involuntarily diverted towards the world under the influence of the destructive nature of time.
16th June, 1930:
God-fearing condition prevailed. Dreamt in the night that I was taking meals with you and another Saint. I became tired of the food and began to take a walk. Afterwards we three finished all the food. After that I went to a place where there was a house which had a gate. Some fellow satsanghis were waiting there for a revered Saint. I requested you to give a sitting. You asked me to conduct the satsangh. I do not remember further.
17th June, 1930:
God-fearing condition unchanged. In the night I felt that some person with a dim silhouette extended his hands twice towards my heart.
18th June, 1930:
I dreamt that it was the occasion of Bhandara (spiritual gathering) and that I was lying with my feet towards the Master. Such a force had been filled in within me from head to foot that I could not get up. Although I felt that I was being unmannerly in having my feet pointing towards the Master, I was helpless. I asked to be lifted up by somebody but nobody was prepared to do so. Ultimately the Master remarked that I was exhausted and somebody was to lift me up. On this Pandit Rameshwar Prasad lifted me up. Then I had some conversation with revered Saints which I do not recollect.
22nd June, 1930:
Sensuous thoughts kept intruding from time to time during the day. Dreamt in the night that some women were staying in my house (which was on old one and had now been reconstructed). I asked them to leave the house. They refused to do so. I told them I would see how they did not leave my house. They refused to do so. I told them I would see how they did not leave my house. They became silent which implied that they would leave it. (In view of my conservative ideas I took them to be the inmates of the air). I asked those women to sit down if they wanted salvation. One of them sat down. I began to transmit to her. Then I woke up and felt that I was in fact transmitting.
23rd June, 1930:
24th June, 1930:
When I woke up in the morning the following verse was involuntarily on the tip of my tongue:
Even if the clouds pour the elixir of life You cannot get fruit from a willow!
The rest is unchanged.
25th June, 1930:
Dreamt in the night that the Master was making circles in the air with one finger, and was explaining to me what was Fakiri, Kabiri and Aulia. He explained about the region of Aulia and made me realize the condition of that region. I remembered it on awakening. Then I went to sleep again, and again dreamt that some people were assembled and that I was bitterly weeping in memory of Guruji Maharaj, and that he was bestowing divine bliss on me. I do not recollect anything beyond this. When I woke up in the morning the condition was very soothing.
27th June, 1930:
Dreamt in the night that a saint enquired from me as to how the condition of Virat is to be infused in a subject. I replied that probably its sketch was produced to be filled in the thought, and then transmitted to the heart of the subject, where it was then to be expanded by thought force. This was confirmed by the Master to be correct.
28th to 30th June, 1930:
LETTER TO THE MASTER WITH DIARY FOR JULY, 1930
Respected Master Mine,
After salutations I submit that I had likened myself to a babul tree (Acacia) in the diary for June 1930. The condition is the same, but colourlessness and conditionlessness has increased to such an extent that both inside and outside a colourless and conditionless, state seems to be pervading. One idea born within me is this, that both my exterior and interior beings are beautiful, and I experience a sacred beauty. Particles of the body seem to be subtle and bright. One thing nevertheless produces fickle-mindedness frequently, that is to say, both sacred-ness and profane-ness which are contrary are felt. A sacred-ness is experienced in the Brahmanda, and a profane ness in the Pind Desh particularly in the region of, and near, the heart; but when the condition of Profane-ness prevails it is often felt that innumerable small currents are falling from the sky. Another reason for my fickle- mindedness is that during the month all my past failings, many of which were not even in my thought, have been coming into view.
A sort of individuality is experienced in the mind. By individually I mean the sublest possible form of ego, or perhaps the power of perception will be an apt interpretation of it. But this individuality, or power of perception, is simply rational, and seems to be mostly devoid of material attributes. I fail to understand what this phenomenon is. Is this the cause for non-existent being brought into being? Or is this necessary for the maintenance of existence? Or is this a reflection or glimpse of any Godly condition? This is not in the least comprehended. Whatever bliss directly descends on me is because of your extreme kindness and affection. The dredge thereof is always spreading outside through the heart, and when I meditate it is felt that Nature, within some circle is warping with the tool of the unrest of my transmission, and this circle seems to be boundless. I experience an immense surge of power within, though it does not apply to the body. During the month of July thoughts of the creation of the Universe remained reverberating with me; but I cannot say whether this was reality or delusion. One thought which is frequently resounding is ‘may I give up my body and become free.’
1ST July, 1930:
At 3-30p.m. a fluttering was experienced near the Kanth Chakra (throat plexus) for a long time. There seemed to be a whirling circle at that point.
2nd July, 1930:
3rd July, 1930:
In the evening the heart was heavy and there was sorrow in it.
4th July, 1930:
In was felt in the night at 9 p.m., that my condition underwent a change. I felt like one whose eyes are blind-folded and brought to some place, and then the eyes are unfolded. Though such a person will not know the way to that place, yet he will enjoy the climate of that place.
5th July, 1930:
There was the realization that I was beautiful within and also outside, and I felt a sacred beauty.
6th July, 1930:
The above mentioned feeling remained.
7th July, 1930:
I felt that all the samskaras, leaving their seats, had gathered near the heart, and were making me undergo the effect of karma. This phenomenon has existed since the last eight months, approximately, but I did not realise it. I realised it when it came to its end. This was why no single day was free from pain.
9th July, 1930:
I went on experiencing immense boundless power and courage within me.
10th July, 1930:
Dreamt in the night that a revered Saint was seated on a chair to my left and was telling me that the house in which I live at present was inauspicious, and that I was to continue living in the old house in which I resided formerly. I woke up. I had a notion that when a house is graced by the feet of a Saint inauspiciousness could not remain in that house. Rather the place becomes sanctified.
11th to 14th July, 1930:
15th July, 1930:
From the evening some sensuous thoughts continued coming, but they came and vanished.
16th July, 1930:
The above condition prevailed. I had a dream in the night of which only a part is remembered – that I had a view of the Master. A revered Saint came to my house to give transmission to you and did so. I was sitting near you and so I also derived benefit from it. During the night to condition was very fine from 2-30 upto 8 in the morning. There are no words to illustrate that condition. My eyes used to open and then close.
17th July, 1930:
Throughout the day I was troubled and nervous without any cause.
18th July, 1930:
Peacefulness was intense.
19th July, 1930:
The above condition remained as it used to be.
20th July, 1930:
I dreamt at noon that a revered Saint gave me strong transmission. My head and, later on, my entire body became filled with divine bliss. I was half reclining and half sitting as if somebody had jerks (or starts) in a state of drowsiness. The revered Saint uttered some affectionate words which I do not recollect.
21st to 25th July, 1930:
Thoughts of the creation of the Universe and its complexities remained vibrating.
26th July, 1930:
Dreamt in the night that each and every particle of my body was luminous and engaged in the remembrance of God. And that in every particle the bliss and bright nature was descending direct.
27th July, 1930:
Condition was very light. Extreme piety was experienced in the morning. Dreamt at about 3 a.m. in the morning that I was meditating, and that two persons were seated behind me and requested me to be attentive to them also. So I began to transmit and those persons began meditating. When I woke up at 6 in the morning I felt that I was actually transmitting and that bliss was descending on me also. In wakefulness also I went on transmitting continuously for about 15 minutes with the same tempo.
28th July, 1930:
In the night I saw a Saint in a dream and noticed that we were seated side by side. He remarked that my condition was getting intense at that time. And it was actually so. Then in the dream I went to the market and sat on a cot and began to transmit to the entire world. Afterwards I came back to my house and found the Saint present there. Beyond this I do not recollect anything.
29th July, 1930:
Went on feeling colourlessness in condition both within and without.
30th July, 1930:
Colourlessnes continued to be felt within and without.
31st July, 1930:
Saw you and a Saint in a dream but the dream is not remembered.
LETTER TO THE MASTER WITH DIARY FOR AUGUST 1930
Revered Master of both the worlds.
May you live long!
I beg to say that the condition which prevails at all times is not realized due to colourlessness, and subtlety in thought, imagination and intellect seem to be incapable of comprehending that condition. And in that very condition I indulge in all the worldly and spiritual activities, and the identity of both these types of activities seems to be identical. Whatever I do seems to be Pooja, that is to say, laughing, talking and all other acts seem to be included in Pooja or worship and, while doing all these acts, I find myself free of them all. One surprising thing is this that when I meditate or do Japa it is not realized as to who is doing it and for whom he is doing it. For example it is like a man who is delirious in high fever and mutters; or like a man who moves his hands or feet while under light anaesthetic, then he will not be aware of these activities; or like a man who scratches his body to relieve itching while asleep, and the itching is eased but the man is not aware of it on awakening. The thought of the Creator has already deserted me and due to this a sort of slight remorse is felt for having become used to it. This activity alone was a source of power of the heart. Nevertheless ‘I am happy in that which is Thine will’. In the last diary I had noted that wanton thoughts and past defects had created disturbance by coming into view. Now God be thanked that since the last week of August it is so only in name. I feel a link and a tie with every atom of the Universe, and with the Saints of my order as well as those outside it.
4th August, 1930:
Felt liveliness at about 11 in the morning. The condition was that of a deaf
8th August, 1930:
At 11 in the night felt that there was a link with each and every particle, the Trinity and the Saints of the spiritual world belonging to our order and to other orders. I dreamt in the night that instead of Munshi Mata Prasad (who was staying here on that day) I was sitting in meditation and was reciting a mantra, and some force from within was urging me to recite it a certain number of times. Before that I had recitation of something else too. Side by side I was also meditating. I had recited the mantra eight times when I woke up.
10th August, 1930:
Dreamt that in a corner a snake was trying to climb up, and nearby there was the head of a deer which the snake had bitten, and above the head of the deer an elephant was standing on a niche with its trunk covered with cloth and was waiting for me to kill the snake. The elephant came down a bit. In the mean time that snake jumped and bit me in my right thigh. With the bite the snake became lifeless. I detached it with my hand.
12th August, 1930:
Had a lengthy dream in the night of which only some part is remembered. My Master was talking to somebody. I saluted him and he responded. Then I lowered my head. To me my own body and that of my Master were dimly visible. For some time I remained sitting respectfully with lowered head. After that I woke up.
18th August, 1930:
Dreamt in the noon that a snake-like reptile crawled away from wall to wall. I was lying on a carpet in the room and Pandit Rameshwar Prasad was also present. The Master was sitting at some distance on the upper side, and another Saint was lying by my side to the left. The Saint transmitted to me and to Pandit Rameshwar Prasad. A condition of colourlessness prevailed with intensity. Its ecstasy was beyond description. Rameshwar Prasad tried to express his condition but the Saint told him to relate it to me. Then I went away from the room and sat down in the middle of the current of a river where there was a cell constructed. The cell was full of water. I took dives and had a swim also. Then I saw a cow which had not gone to its owner for two months. While swimming in that cell I escorted the cow to its owner. Swimming was of such a manner that my entire body was under water while my head which was above water was in the lap of a man. I know that man. He was the younger brother of some satsanghi. He was the younger brother of some satsanghi. He was also caressing me. The journey continued till I reached the bank of the river. I thought that the place was district Banda, and that Master was present there. The man in whose lap my head rested remarked that Mahatmaji had taught me very quickly. When I came out of that cell I told that man that he too was to learn from the Mahatmaji, but he expressed unwillingness and disappointment.
19th August, 1930:
There was immense uneasiness in the noon and I felt compelled to run away from home. The heart was heavy. I wanted to wander away after bidding farewell to the world. There seemed to be poisonous substances in the atmosphere, and wanton thoughts of passion and lasciviousness seemed to be afloat in it. A picture of the thoughts of the world and its morals was on view. I went to sleep when I found no relief anyhow. When I woke up I was soothed.
21st August, 1930:
Had a feeling at 10 in the morning that each and every particle and leaf was engaged in the remembrance of God, but such is not the case with honourable man!
23rd August, 1930:
Felt at about 10 in the night that whatever I did was all Pooja. It was also felt during absorption that a man, covered in a beautiful white shroud, was lying with me on my cot on my left.
29th 31st August, 1930:
With whomsoever I sat, his uncleanliness made me uneasy; and if somebody had much uncleanliness I felt like vomiting. This condition developed in Mathura. I was there on those days. Once again I submit that I am not interested in conditions now, nor do I feel any pleasure in them. All this is a puzzle which appears before me again and again.
LETTER TO THE MASTER WITH DIARY FOR SEPTEMBER, 1930
Respected Master of both the Worlds. May you live long!
With due respects I beg to say that ever since my convalescene I feel spiritual convalescene also, and relative conditions have said adieu and there is no interest in these conditions. Actually all of them were the illusions of Maya which appeared frequently like a jig-saw puzzle in different shapes, and diverted the thought towards themselves. This life of feelings has ended. Now there is neither meditation nor revelation. One condition only prevails all the 24 hours. Nevertheless, when the flow of bliss descends with intensity, waves are felt within. There is neither fervour nor fury nor intensity though there is much courage. However, I term this condition as ecstasy. And if I do not term it as such it amounts to ingratitude for Divine blessing.
I am in no mood to work. I like to rest lying like a long. Subtlety is increasing day by day. But anger sometimes defiles the moral condition. Temper gets out of control, and when temper is out of control morality also disappears. Others are hurt and I feel sorrow. My heart tells me that it is only now that spirituality has started and as the saying goes, ‘Delhi is still far away’. The thought of orderliness often resounds in the mind, and I surmise that its foundation, also, has been laid due to your extreme kindness.
1st September, 1930:
Feeling of uncleanliness of others has persisted, but the embarrassment noted in the diary for the previous month was not there.
2nd September, 1930:
I was sleeping at noon. I felt that I abided in some extremely subtle cover, and near at hand my heart was reciting a Ghazal and the thought of some Mahatma was taking hold of the mind. The first line of the Ghazal had not fully penetrated into my thought when somebody awakened me. The meaning of the first line was that for mortal man just two yards of land are sufficient.
4th September, 1930:
Dreamt in the night that a Saint had come and wanted to give me a sitting but since the day had dawned during the dream I wanted to sit after disposing of the necessities. I extended my hands to touch his feet. My hand was injured by the threshold. He remarked that it was punishment for not receiving the sitting. Then he put some questions to the gathering and said that those who agreed with the idea were to raise their hands. The people raised their hands. The last order was that those who were against materialisation were to raise hands. I raised my hands The Saint remarked that I possessed all the powers.
10th September, 1930:
Went on feeling excessive power.
13th to 29th September, 1930:
Remained indisposed. Could not realise the condition during the illness. After that I began to feel a balanced state.
LETTER TO THE MASTER WITH DIARY FOR OCT. 1930
Revered Master of both the worlds.
May you live long!
After salutations I beg to submit that the diary is becoming silent (uneventful) day by day. Even dreams are seen very rarely. Nevertheless with great endeavour I write what I can comprehend. Thought seems to be merged in the condition that prevails. This was what I wanted and it has happened, but the merging is not to that extent which was in my thought. Unawareness, certainly, does prevail. This is realised in this way that I want to do one thing and begin to do another, or I want to turn into some lane but move on a few steps ahead, or during conversation I utter something which I do not mean. But simultaneously there is as much awareness as unawareness. At times liveliness increases; otherwise condition mostly remains very light, and I often feel a very serene condition. Both inside and outside the notions of culture and civility have come into being. The condition inside which was very respectful with added subtleness now remains respectful with a new pleasure. To my understanding that new pleasure is due to the fact that with respectfulness more humbleness and worship have been added. One silliness produced by my mistake is this that when some one misbehaves with me I feel offeneded. In fact inner uncivility seems to be more offensive. At times, I feel myself to be ‘Homage personified’.
14th October, 1930:
Dreamt in the night that there was a riot between the Hindus and Muslims and I wanted to go to the court. I went to you and benefited from transmission. You asked me to go on looking towards yourself and said that nobody would be able to do me any harm. Moreover, I looked like a Muslim probably because of the beard. After that I always went and witnessed to play of the groups of Muslims. Nobody harmed me. On return you again transmitted to me and I went on viewing your form. This was a long dream which is not fully remembered.
LETTER TO THE MASTER WITH DIARY FOR NOVEMBER, 1930
Revered Master of both the worlds.
May you live long!
After salutations I submit that my condition is becoming such that “at times I sit on the highest pinnacle and at others I do not even see the back of my foot.” At times condition becomes very serene with extreme subtlety and conditionlessness. At times intellect becomes so vivid that many tangles seem to be clearly untangled. At times the faculty of experience becomes very intense so much so that every thought and human condition and their effects on the place, the atmosphere and space are felt in their original state without any adulteration, but the full current of transmission does not go to any side. It has frozen within itself. Contrary to this there exists such a condition when one hand does not see the other, and I consider myself to be so much fallen, timid (as if somebody has been robbed of his possessions by someone else), victim of wanton thoughts, and lost in troubles, that I give preference over myself to every man of the world who has not had even an inkling of Divinity. Nevertheless, one thing which consoles me is this that the cluster of incoming thoughts has the status of uninvited guests, and in most of them offshoots do not blossom, neither are they remembered, Troubles which hover over the heart for nothing like moths sometimes produce a feeling similar to that of a snake which has been deprived of its gem. One such thought I have guessed (cannot say whether the guess is right or wrong) that this state is like an ‘Awaaz Dil’ (Voice of the heart) or beat of a drum to remind me of the goal. Mahatma Gandhi has said that the road to salvation passes through the road to salvation passes through the jail. To my understanding the road to eternal salvation or immortal life passes through these thorns and weeds because, when this condition prevails, pangs increase limitlessly.
A whim or idiosyncrasy which remains with me, for nothing, is that I still feel it to be the first stage, that is to say, whatsoever point I attain due to your extreme kindness and love seems to be the initial stage only. At times, I do feel that spirituality has commenced, while at others I have the misgiving that all these are but events on the way, and spirituality has not yet even started. These things often keep me in doubt and do not permit any of the two things to stick. Though somebody has rightly said that wheresoever one may reach it is the beginning, not the end. One thing new has been felt by me during this month which is this, that the courage you had conferred on me does not exist now because of some failing or shortcoming of mine. Nevertheless I feel at the time of need like some weak and timid kshattriya (person of warrior class) who summons up courage and fervour on the mention of his clan’s and nation’s bravery and, under the influence of family and national pride, sometimes acts beyond his prowess. I find the ties between the subtle and the gross in the body completely broken, parted like the waters of the river Nile. When I talk or do something, or utter words like ‘me and we’ they are all inspired by subtle body, and the doer of all the works seems the subtle body alone. This has been found after deep thought, though it is not essential that this feeling that subtle body is working should persist while working. While doing worldly or official work I do not realize who is working. The condition of the subtle being seems to be like that of an infant in which your influence is visible to a large extent. By calling it an infant I mean that the faculties are inherent in it but are not developed.
I am constantly feeling that inside my body Maya is playing its role in its subtlest form and, according to my imperfect comprehension, I will term it as the last stage of Maya. That is to say after crossing over this condition Maya shall not trouble me. Fire burns thousands of times more subtle than fire, also does the same, but its action is very quick and intense. Burning from fire is felt but the same phenomenon caused by electricity in the flash of a second is not felt. A man may be safe also from the flames of fire but electricity, which is only an imaginary fire, finishes the business in the fraction of a second. The same is happening to me under the subtle Maya, and it is acting like a small quantity of bitterest medicine added to raw sugar. By giving expression to my thoughts I have done my duty. When I have entrusted myself to the Real God, He is the Master to mould me as he likes. When was this humble self worthy to dare to be a worshipper of the All- powerful Being? But this is the limitless bounty of the Master that today I am flourishing in the lap of your affection and the idea of “I entrusted to Thee my belongings, Thou knowest the calculations of loss and profit” is vibrating in my mind.
2nd and 3rd November, 1930:
Condition remained very subtle and pleasant from 7 till 11 in the morning.
7th November, 1930:
Dreamt in the night that I was present at a particular place. At that place some person was saying that a man had written and letter to find out the condition of Aham Brahmasmi from him, and had enquired as to how many steps there were to reach the stage of Aham Brahmasmi. This letter was with a man and he was enquiring from me. By chance I happened to be ascending the ladder and the man went on enquiring. I went on telling him that he was right (I thought to tell him 27 in case he persisted). I was ascending the ladders and counting the steps. But on coming down I forgot the count.
LETTER FROM THE REVERED MAHATMA RAM CHANDRA OF FATEHGARH ADDRESSED TO A PRECEPTOR
May God preserve you life. What is his will is his alone, and He alone is aware of proper opportunity. What I want is that I may bring out all that which is within me. But there is courage and courage along. Circumstances and the pressure of exigencies do not permit me to act according to my wish. I will write whatever I possibly can. It is enough if it is useful and beneficial, even though it is scanty. A hint suffices for the intelligent.
Because of your transfer from Shahjahanpur there is a likelihood of the function being spoiled. So on my own behalf and on that of my elder I invite the attention of brother Pandit Rameshwar Prasad to agree to take up this work in hand during your absence. May God give him courage and perseverance. That dear one will, perhaps, establish a condition of honour after casting off that small portion of boyhood which is very negligible in him now, due to the demands of his age. May God help him. Brother Ram Chandra undoubtedly has ability and agility in this respect, but I am sorry that due to the restrictions, of his father, narrowness of heart and space, and intricacies of his home my sagacity did not permit me for the time being to throw the responsibility on him.
I hope from God that he will be benefited in a way better than the present one. I was to go to district Etah. I shall not go now. I shall consider it at some other time. A sadhak (aspirant) is staying here these days. Probably he will go to Kanpur on the 15th. My regards and blessings to all. It is possible that you may have been transferred in view of the possibility of more expansion in work at Tilhar. All this is better known to Him alone.
Note: The original letter had been preserved with great care by Pandit Rameshwar Prasad in his personal custody.
LETTER TO THE MASTER WITH DIARY FOR DECEMBER 1930
After salutations I beg to say that all is well at your place and I, also, am quite well, although some gastric troubles have developed during the last few days.
Pandit Ganga Sewak is laboring hard these days. May God take him soon to the stage which is the climax of longing. Since I have returned from the presence of Guru Maharaj I am turning into clean state day by day, and am going back to the condition which prevailed prior to the beginning. The method of teaching is ipso facto penetrating into the understanding without any effort in the form of symbols and metaphors. Rendering of this in writing is very hard and difficult with the exception of some obvious facts. Rather it is almost impossible for me. During the last month from the 1st to 11th of December I went on feeling that in every cell of the body a darkness pervaded, and immense power was experienced in every particle of the body. That darkness was not in the form of pitch or total darkness. But its shade was like that tinge of light which one experiences when one enters a room after passing through bright sunlight. In that condition he will undoubtedly feel darkness but he will also find a thin ray of light there. This feeling remained from 1st to the 11th of December. After that the condition took another turn which could be grasped after its stay 2 or 3 days. The condition was such that from every atom of the body a state of dryness and sandyness (but not the least warmth) was experience, and a condition of extreme solitariness or desolation was felt. Yet there was great conditonlessness therein. There was neither taste nor non-taste. If it is further elucidated in other words it could be likened to a desolate habitation which is completely unpopulated and which has been deserted by even the birds, what to say of human beings, and where there is neither spring nor autumn, nor cold nor warmth. In the last week of the preceding month uneasiness, restlessness and worry were very acute, and that uneasiness was like that of a man who has been plunged into water and is held by the scruff of his neck and made to remain under it for some moments. A guess can thus be made regarding my extreme uneasiness. If a man, who is not fortunate enough to have the patronage of the Saint and the Saviour, is made to suffer such uneasiness, it is very probable that he might commit suicide. In me this condition has prevailed for a long time prior to my association with Master, but not to that extent which I have recently undergone. And in this condition I yearned for the availability of some perfect Guide who would take me to the august court of God. I thank God and am proud of my fate that God entrusted me to such a guide, the dust of whose feet even was extremely difficult to get. The uneasiness lasted a week and then changed into pleasure. Somebody has rightly said “Do not complain of anger since, in the ways of Homage, he who does not bear hardships never does arrive at solace.” Now my existing condition is that of a person sitting in a lonely place in a state of belonginglessness.
13th December, 1930:
At Fatehgarh I dreamt at about 4 in the morning that a Saint was sitting in my carriage and, without saying anything, he initiated me. Then he recited some Arabic verses and embraced me. At that time tears began to pour down from my eyes. He wiped them off. After that I came to know that he had initiated me. I told him that I had already been initiated and asked him why he did it. He answered that he did not know.
17th December, 1930:
Dreamt in the night that I went to Mecca. Hajis were present there. My head was bowed down. I felt that because of my Choti (tuft of hair) people there would take me to be a Hindu and chase me away. In the meantime I moved forward to the place where the shrine of Hazrat Mohammad is located. The shrine was totally red in colour. The grave assumed the shape of Hazrat Mohammad, and it seemed as if he was reclining. Smiling he remarked that my condition was very subtle and he blessed me to attain betterment, saying:
“Tumhen Falah darain nasib ho.”
May you be virtuous in both the worlds.
28th to 31st December, 1930:
In the night I saw Guruji Maharaj in a dream but I remember nothing. I remember only this much that I was blessed.