VII 1931 -The Autobiography of Ram Chandra Vol I


Revered Master of both the worlds.
May you live long!

After salutations I submit that I am laying before you my conditions recorded in the diary for January 1931. My condition these days, are expressed by some poet, is this, “how can a falcon or a bird reach the environment of His elevation? Here our flying bird is without wings and feathers.” That is to say the Divine Being seems to be miles away, and the impression of His greatness and grandeur is imprinted on the heart. He is the monarch of the entire universe while this humble self is but an ordinary beggar. I remember a couplet of Zahir Faryabi which was composed in praise of the King of Persia and which is pure exaggeration, but it certainly casts light on my condition.

“Understanding puts the story of nine skies beneath its feet
so that it may kiss
the stirrups of Qaizal Arsalan.”

In this couplet, understanding at least reaches upto the stirrups but the condition of this humble self is such and there is so much humility and humbleness in the mind that the stage has arrived “where the shield should be given up” seems to be applicable. It only seems to be the place of keeping quiet with reverence. According to somebody, “Let there be no faltering as the court is regal.”

There was a man who never saw his beloved. He fell in ardent love merely on hearing about the sweet manners and beauty of the beloved. Only this much is known about the beloved that she is at a far distance which cannot be measured even by the comprehension. There is only one hope left, that the bliss of seeing her is destined. And he (the lover) remains restless in his memory, having ties of love in this condition. His dearly beloved is far away from him. And only his remembrance in extreme proximity is available to him. Such is the condition of this humble self, and it seems to be the state of devotee. My general condition seems to be just like that of water. What to say of intoxication not even the after effect is left. In water at least waves are caused by the wind, but here even movement is not felt at the time of performing worldly and official duties. Senses and faculties remain sitting quietly in their respective spheres and due to their good commission, the tasks are completed. The condition of faculties and senses is such as if death may have occurred of somebody. I do not even feel that I ever got the education of Divine Knowledge. In short I have become a total negative. Whatever blessing there was is now with Him.

1st and 2nd January, 1931:
Much restlessness remained in the condition.

3rd January, 1931:
Restlessness much reduced. Dreamt in the night that a Saint and a dear friend were present, and the Saint gave light transmission to me.

4th January, 1931:
Condition remained pleasant; restlessness much reduced.

6th January, 1931:
In the noon felt a strong bliss descending from the mind on the heart. This lasted for about 15 minutes.

9th January, 1931:
A thought came to the mind that a devotee could not reach His elevation and station.

10th and 11th January, 1931
Same condition as above.

12th January, 1931:
In the evening felt that all the doors and walls denoted the grandeur and humility of self.

14th January, 1931:
Dreamt in the night that two Muslim young men were present at one place, and that I was also there. One of them gave extremely subtle and mild transmission to me. Considering that I could not have such tricks from strangers, I at once dissolved myself in Guru Maharaj. He said that he was Nazir (He did not mena Nazir of a court) and was giving transmission to me. I replied that I was aware of it.

15th January, 1931:
Dreamt in the night that I was present at the abode of Guruji Maharaj and that a Saint was attentive towards me. My condition was that of a deaf mute. He remarked that I was alright and was to improve my physical health (I was then victim of gastric ailments). He asked me to contemplate that the Ganges which contained all colours was flowing, and from among all those colours that particular colour was penetrating into me which was the cure of the disease. He further added that this was the way to cure any other person who is down with some disease. With the help of you plexuses you should inject that colour which is the cure for that trouble, into the body of the subject, through the particular Latifa or centre which is the plexus of that colour. Then he remarked that people sit in the satsangh with their smoke pipe which was highly disagreeable to Guruji Maharaj. I then woke up. After that I again saw another saint in a dream. Seeing him I was weeping vehemently under the influence of love. He also gave me transmission and praised me. Probably the colourlessness of transmission was of high dissolution. He also remarked that the dear brother gives transmission but even then he is not conscious of it. Forgetfulness of the self is so complete. (Wordings are not correctly recalled. Am writing from the idea).

25th January, 1931:
At about 9 in the morning a mild bliss was experienced for many hours. Throughout the day condition remained intense and like that of deaf mute. It seemed as if bliss had filled up to the brim. There was an urge to sing. I went on singing the couplet:

Page No. 184

“As long as the body is not reduced to dust and the heart is not dead, O Wajhun! The face of the beloved cannot be seen even in a dream.”

A thought came to me that bliss was continuously descending on the marriage party which the Master attended at Delhi, and that the effect of the bliss was coming to me. Throughout the day condition was as above. Saw a Saint twice in a dream and derived bliss from him to such an extent that in my dream I used to fall down under the influence of transmission. At this stage I used to feel all the time the divine wave coming from the Master and entering into my heart. Moreover, whenever the transmitted to anybody I used to get my share at my own place. This happens when total absorbency of Laya Avastha is there.

Dreamt in the night that a respected Saint was with me, and that he transmitted to me. Beyond this I do not remember.


Dear brother,
Blessings to you. I have received your letter. I had gone to Orai with another Saint. We returned yesterday. All conditions that you have mentioned are worthy of thanks giving. This is the blessing of dissolution of nothingness, after which, God willing, the bliss of eternity will be conferred from that august shrine. Eternity is bestowed in keeping with that degree and condition which prevail in the state of dissolution. What explanations are to be written in respect of your dreams? The main thing is the object. The signs have been deemed sufficient. Time has been saved by not going into details. Rest is well. God willing I shall be present at Manipuri from the 15th to the 17th of February. From there I shall be going to Etah where the annual gathering is to be held from 20th to the 22nd.

Regards and blessings to all.

From Fatehgarh


Revered Master of both the worlds.

May you live long!

After salutations I beg to say that I am endeavouring to note down the conditions mentioned in my diary for the last month. Condition is such that it is impossible to express by word of mouth or in writing. Nevertheless I put up before you whatever I have been able to grasp with my intellect. It will perhaps be correct if I term my condition as ‘Nothing whatsoever.’ The condition now is almost similar to what it was at the time of commencement. This seems to mean I have come back, after visitations, to the point from where I had started. Condition remains somewhat depressed, though I do not complain of it, and discouragement has become rooted in the thought so deeply and strongly that it has made me forget completely the inner power and condition. Things which were felt physically have now vanished from the inner vision, and such a condition has been produced as if somebody forgets his own powers due to a curse. Once there was a condition that I had the audacity to say ‘Get up by my order.’ My condition now is this that I am afraid even to say ‘Get up by the order of God.’ Everything is subject to the Master, and governed by His will. I feel that I am a sinner and much removed from God, and destitute. I have not collected Tosha (belongings) for the next world. Nor can I do any labour to make a Paramarth. Thinking thus again and again I often feel like weeping over my condition. I feel the pleasures of death in life, and have become totally devoid of intellect. Tulsidas Ji has composed a couplet in Ramayana which come true in respect of my condition.

“One without feet can walk and without ears can hear The handless performs tasks of different kinds.”

The inner condition is that of a curious misgiving and statelessness. Low thoughts or emotions, which arise, do not bring any change in the self, nor is any alteration or change felt in it. The position of thought is such as if rubbish and straws go on floating on the water of the Ganges but fail to pollute it because of the extreme purity of the water. The same thing which is within is found to be in every particle of the Universe and throughout Space, and on seeing the external condition the inner condition becomes known.

Now I find that due to your kindness ‘the eeyes of the bubble have seen the face of the water!

1st February, 1931:
Dreamt in the night that Guruji Maharaj gave transmission to me, and I was weeping under the influence of love. He remarked that I could not stand at all. In the dream someone told the Guru Maharaj that I partook of butter everyday. Forgot major portion of the dream. During the entire night the condition of meditation prevailed.

7th February, 1931:
Dreamt that I was at the residence of Guru Maharaj along with you. The Guru Maharaj gave me transmission and went inside the house, and directed me to ask anybody who came to sit and wait. Soon a very good looking and healty person came. I gave transmission to him. That is all that I remember.

10th February, 1931:
Had many dreams in the night but forgot them. Only this much is recollected that somebody told me that my turiya condition had commenced.

13th February, 1931:
While going to Lucknow in the train I had the feeling at about 7-30 a.m. that the reflective influence had reached some high point, but the condition had not been revealed by then. If satsangh could be had that would have revealed it quickly. At 2 in the afternoon at Lucknow some forgetfulness in the condition was felt.

14th February, 1931:
Dreamt in the night that a Saint was giving transmission to me. After giving transmission for some time he remarked that because of his love he had given transmission in excess, and it was fortunate that he had noticed it, otherwise I would have died. During the day forgetfulness in condition remained unchanged.

18th February, 1931:
While sleeping in the afternoon I dreamt that I was in some house. A man arrived and began to call a friend of mine employed in the court. I asked him what he would do. He replied that he had come after deriving immense bliss from Hazrat Baqi Billah and he would not speak to me. A voice from inside my heart told me that the man was telling me a lie since Hazrat Baqi Billah was giving transmission to me. Such an immense bliss descended that I was lifted about an arm’s length above my cot. After that I woke up.

Dreamt the same night that a Saint was giving transmission to me and to some other fellow disciples.

20th February, 1931:
Dreamt that I was in the court and my condition was sunk to such an extent that I was not conscious of my physical being.

21st February, 1931:
From 4 to 6 in the evening much absorption was felt and I experienced bliss to be descending from the mind.


Dear brother,

May God increase your span of life. Thank God that your letter brought happy tidings. The reply to your previous letters has been kept in abeyance with the idea of answering later on. Our further point to note was this that at the end of every sentence in your letter there was a part which was itself enough for the reply. The same thing is noted in your last letter also. It is difficult to give replies to such letters which have the form of replies in themselves.

The condition which prevailed before the start is felt in the same manner now also. This is the phenomenon of ‘He is first, He is last.’ The soul has come back to the place from where it had started. A volume is needed if it is to be described in detail. And further the sense of reverence also restrains me because this is a Divine secret. With the infusion of the soul into the human body all the attributes and characteristics, and the powers of understanding and sense, were inherent at their highest perfection. Emotions arose in connection with the creation of the Universe. The attention and diversion of the soul went on going towards matter. Balance ceased to exist. There remained no moderation in the inherent conditions, until all the emotions became dead.

Now the teachers bring again into action the dormant emotional conditions with the help of transmission and bliss. This is done to such an extent that in the teaching process of our order they make it start from the jasb and after getting all the aspects of jasb (intense spiritual intoxication) completed, they bring the disciple back towards Sulook (path of spirituality). And then they get all the stages of Sulook completed. This alone is the ultimate Sulook. That very condition of moderation, which prevailed in human hearts and souls at the start, comes over now. The intervening conditions and stages are waves. From them it cannot be known as to what peace is, nor where it does abide. Now in reality the man is in the form of a man whereas prior to this he was an animal in the form of man. When is reality found in waves? There is no question of start and reach here. What exists, exists. Weakness, passions and emotions are in imperfection only. There is no trace of waves and passions in perfection. There is peace when all the attributes become moderate. This is the state of desirelessness in spite of desires. Such a condition prevails either when the heart has been exhausted, or is that of a heart which has got solace and satisfaction. While doing anything the heart becomes monotonous in the end i.e. it becomes subject to Upram. If it is worldly even then it is heartening because once again the period of ascension starts after it. This is the practice of the travelers on the divine path.

‘Get up with my order’ is a middle stage which is against the sense of reverence because it is disrespectful for a seeker to term a monk as a Saint, and is a contradiction of reality also. Nevertheless the condition of ‘Get up with the order of God’ indicates the right and proper condition. It is pleasurable for a seeker to have extreme divine faith and contentment which is the after effect and result of ‘Get up with my order.’ But the condition of the former contains reverence and gives the happy news of “Nearness of the Being.” In the nearness and companionship of the Being the Salik (one who is established on the path, and has advanced for on it) is blessed with the effulgence of the Being. There is a world of difference between the effulgence of the Being and the attributes of the Being. Should one not be pleased on remembering the attribute of humility of Hanumanji? Whenever anyone reminded him of his power he used to remember his power. Is our aim to eat the mangoes or to count the leaves and trees? Is it not a great achievement if a Salik, inspite of having thoughts of discouragement, is able to perform a task which many boasters can never perform? What will be the state of displeasure and wrath of a Master when a servant of his boasts of possession of power in his presence and behind his back? It is just possible that on account of his pride and act of usurpation he may be discharged from his post. But another servant, because of his eternal nearness and personal closeness, and because of his services, may find such a hold upon his master that all the powers may be given to him by the master. And if that servant uses those powers in such a way that he associates the name of the master with every action. I feel that occasion will never arise for any misgiving in the heart of the Master, and he would never feel that his Kingship would suffer, and so he would never depose the servant from his office after forfeiting his powers.

Considering oneself to be a sinner and subject to a wave is the height of human gentlemanliness Rather, this is a special blessing and kindness of God. You have written that you often weep because of your condition. It is a pity that one weeps while being fed with ghee and pudding, whereas he is happy on chewing dry gram. This very condition is termed Bji Dagdha (frying of the seed) and, due to this, freedom from slavery results. To weep in this condition is due to foolishness and lack of knowledge. How can one thank God for this Blessing? So remove this misgiving and foolishness, otherwise this will constitute ingratitude for the blessings of God. Then you yourself write that you derive pleasure of death in life. What does this contradictory writing mean? Conditionlessness is a symptom of arriving at the boundaries of Self. But you are at present stuck with the thought of conditionlessness. These conditions of conditonlessness are identical. The Gracious God will create this condition also. The dream of 7th February is probably regarding the hukka. It is nothing more than this. That of the 13th February is quite plain and needs no explanation. All the remaining dreams are ordinary and simple, and do not require explaining.

Blessing to children and salutations to all. All the letters have been sent. Letters for persons whose addresses I do not know have been written and are kept Blessings.

from Fatehgarh


Respected brother,

After due salutations I have to submit that due to the extreme kindness of your good self the thought and discrimination of state and statelessness has not remained. Now the condition can be interpreted thus alone that what exists does exist. I am neither wise nor insane. There is neither separation nor union. There is neither separation nor union. There is neither separation nor union. There is neither connection nor detachment and there is neither seclusion nor assembly. “Nothing is hidden and nothing is manifest,” is the condition now. The sense of time and length of time was imaginary, and does not come into comprehension. Past, present and future seem to have identical forms. From this I arrive at the conclusion that my sphere of activity, or rendezvous, is at that point which is free from the bonds of Time and Space. And really when a glimpse of that point is had for a fraction of a second the condition thereof (which cannot be expressed by word of mouth or pen) seems to be samasam (balanced), and free of bonds. Patience and contentment are certainly being felt, and the condition of submission and surrender is intense.

I consider everyone to be a servant of God. If any body is wealthy or a man of position, my heart does not attach any special importance to him on that account. The status of the Raja, the pauper and the fakir, all the three seem to me to be the same. If somebody is a Governor, my heart is not inclined towards him on that account. This state has come into being since last month. My heart makes me realize that now is the beginning of my spirituality. Delhi is still far away.

1st March, 1931:
At Aligarh in the morning when I was free from puja I had a feeling that a subtle current was flowing out from a high point in the mind. When I reflected over it I found out that there was some sannyasi at Aligarh to whom transmission was going of its own accord. On enquiry through thought, it was found that he was lost in the depths of Aalam Kabir (macrocosm) through which I have already passed. I was pleased on finding his love to true.

3rd March, 1931:
In the night I saw Guruji Maharaj and another Saint in a dream. I forgot the dream. But this much is reflected in my condition that both of them transmitted to me.

5th March, 1931
Felt in the afternoon that I had lost the cognition of time, and condition was samasam (balanced). I felt myself beyond both the limited and the limitless.

10th March, 1931:
Dreamt in the night that some fakirs were gathered at a certain place. All of them had beards. I was also sitting there. One person was seated on my right. Somebody said that he was Raja Janaka. There was a small temple in front in which a while ball was placed. Someone broke it into two. Some fakirs came out of it. Someone remarked that it was in this manner that the world was created.

24th March, 1931:
Dreamt in the night I had resolved not to live in my house any longer, but would engage myself in the remembrance of God in some secluded corner. Coming out of my house I sat down at one place and began to meditate. Condition of samadhi and absorption came into being. And whenever I was about to fall, somebody used to catch hold of me. After meditation a thought came that it was possible at home also. Then why should one leave his home? Then I woke up.

The thinkers have laid stress upon samadhi, and some of them have stated it to be the goal of all activities. They did not mark the real substance. If we utter the word “real” the flow is smooth, but if we use the word samadhi the stress is there in ‘dhi’; that means unevenness is there in the very word. Unevenness is not found in nature. Swimming and diving are different subjects. Swimming in the river we know, but we have to learn swimming on the dry land first, and then diving. Suppose we want to dive in the water in the state of samadhi, the unevenness of ‘dhi’ will not give you full diving. I give the meaning of samadhi in my own way; I can say ‘sam+adhi.’ ‘sam’ means the state of balance; ‘adhi’ means what was in the beginning. That means to condition which was in the beginning: i.e. when we came here for the first time. Now to utilize it, we should stick the word ‘adhi’ to the ‘sam’, that means that we have made this factor also beneficial to our approach so ‘adhi’ becomes the instrument for going to the state of ‘sam’. Now I relate my own experience. “It is the state where a man feels awakening in the benumbed state”. This benumbed state remains behind the curtain, and work goes on alright. In other words, it is sense in the senseless state. A man having this state can do the best work in the field of God and in his own field – the world. This state which, in my opinion, the angels crave for, only falls to the share of a human being. What is above it, the word ‘silence’ can only describe; and there is something after it for which, if I use the word ‘silence’, it will be blasphemy to the Real Substance.

To die in hunger is not saintliness.


Revered Master of both the worlds.
May you live long!

After salutations I submit the conditions noted down in the diary for the month of April, 1931.

During the rainy season, a stop in the blowing of the wind is a sign of rainfall. In reality the blowing of the wind does not stop but its slow movement is considered to be a standstill, and it is extremely beneficial for God’s creation. Everything becomes fresh and green and all the three elements get life from it. So the stoppage of wind (as people term it) is a helper of life. This very condition prevailed upon this humble devotee for a long time. Then began the torrential rainfall of bliss which continues every moment. Each particle of body gets freshness from it. In spare moments when I am completely under meditation, I feel the descent of bliss so intense that it leads to the condition of absorption. Otherwise I feel a condition of mild bliss every moment which gives me wonderful freshness. The heart has felt the pleasure of that condition after becoming pleasureless. This, according to my understanding, is the beginning of that intoxication which has been termed as ‘eternal bliss’ by the elders. I feel as if a connection has been formed with the Being, and the coverings of the body have become clean to such an extent, that the glow of the Being has begun to be visible in it.

For some time this condition prevailed that whatever acts were performed by me I felt them to be from God. By and by this became so habitual that now it is not known as to who is the doer of deeds, or from whom they come. For illustration it is like the condition of a sleeping person who automatically turns over in the bed according to his needs. Or a man while sleeping scratches himself when he feels an itching sensation in the body. He cannot give an answer if he is asked on awakening as to how many turns he too while asleep. As far as my vision goes there seems to be an end of passion and desire inspite of having thousand of desires. And the condition is becoming such as if on mixing of all the colours they lose their attributes. Red, green and yellow all vanish. So I term the present condition as general condition. Now there is no hustle or bustle in it. Forgetfulness in love has taken root, and it has vanished from the eyes after going hundreds of miles away, and has become so independent in itself that the chain of thought fails to arrest it.

3rd April, 1931:
Forgot the dream of the night. Only this much is recollected that Guruji Maharaj transmitted to me.

11th April, 1931:
During the dream of the night I derived bliss from you and another saint.

12th April, 1931:
Condition in the night remained excellent. I felt as if bliss was being betowed upon me.

15th April, 1931:
Felt after 5 in the evening that I forgot love.

16th and 17th April, 1931:
Condition unchanged.

19th April, 1931:
While sitting at your place in the evening under the influence of transmission of a saint I went on feeling abhorrence towards the feeling that I experienced.

20th April, 1931:
Abhorrence for feeling continued. In a dream I reached a house by chance, and entered the upper storey there through a staircase. The way over the staircase was slightly hidden. A man took me up and said that I was becoming like the Master. Then I reached the house of my sister. Beyond this I do not remember. On awakening a voice came from my heart that I was becoming like the Master.

21st April, 1931:
Dreamt in the night that you and a Muslim saint were present at my house. You beckoned me to sit in meditation with the saint. So meditation was started. After some time I offered meals to the saint and I also partook of it with him. My mother was witnessing this. I withdrew my hand from the food so that she might not think that I had become converted.

23rd April, 1931:
At 9 in the night I was returning from your place, when a thought came on the way that a man who was ungrateful is not worthy of spiritual knowledge. If such a man desired to be diverted to spirituality he ought to give up the habit of ingratitude.

26th April, 1931:
Had a dream in the night the major portion of which I forgot. This much is remembered that I, with a brother, went to Fatehgarh. There Guruji Maharaj gave me transmission. At the time of getting up my elder sister was with me. I sent her home and I stayed at Jalaabad. There you gave transmission. Then I went to some other place. There another saint gave me transmission.


Revered Master of both the worlds.
May you live long!

After salutations I have to say that I am submitting my diary for the month of May, 1931. Condition is becoming such these days that it is an impossibility to express it, and if this condition continues I fear I may perhaps not be able to express it in future. I take wheat everyday but its taste relates to feeling alone, and this feeling escapes description in very manner, except to say that its taste is sweet. But by saying this the taste is not expressed. The same is the case with my condition. Neither does mind go towards conditionlessness, nor is there any feeling of some colourful condition. Nevertheless external influences, which the mind has grasped, are felt in the form of mist or smoke on silent water. But they do not cause any change or alteration in the silent condition which is prevailing (which I take to be the effect of the inexpressible). I am enjoying a view of extreme restlessness in excessive peace. There is no limit to restlessness. If more attention is paid to it the condition may probably be described as that of a fish out of water. The condition of self-forgetfulness is like that of a consumptive or a chronic patient who feels power in no part of his body, and whose activities have come to an end. Even doing of sadhana and upasana is not experienced as an act of worship or practice, but merely as routine. During meditation both samadhi andabsorption come. But I do not derive pleasure from it. The same is the case with eating, drinking and other acts. The mind has become somewhat disinterested. The thought of the remembrance of God remains like an idea, or a s a faint reflection. It is like a piece of cloth, hanging inside a room in rainy season, becoming slightly damp and acquiring a mild soggy smell. I feel my present condition as the condition of Divine secret. If this condition is mentioned to any stranger he will never believe it, and if he believes it he will go astray. It is no wonder if Kabir Das Ji warned his brilliant disciple Dharamdas Ji in the following words:


O Dharma Dass, I invoke three thousands of times.
Divine Secret should not go out.

Mind has become humility loving. I am much pleased when somebody looks down upon me, and I am mostly looked down upon. One strange and surprising thing happens to me; this thing being that when I am drowsy, or am lost in meditation, some force from within keeps on telling me absurd things about the world. And often these things have even come true. For instance, “give him ninety- one crores of rupees”; ‘I will start tuition if you will pay me Rupees Ten’; ‘On the terrace (which is a the back of my house and where Sadhus reside) worthless people quarrel for nothing’; and many such other things which I do not remember. I have committed to memory the above few instances in order to intimate to you. At times there is excess in it while at others there is moderation. Inspite of all these things one such thing has come into being that not mentioning of it is very harmful. So craving your indulgence with folded hands for this unmannerliness I submit that for the last two weeks passions have so overpowered me that my thought is involved in them most of the time, and the condition is animal-like. Thought was never involved in them for so long. Due to this there is such pain as if thorns are laid down for somebody, and he is perforce mad to walk over them. If this very condition prevails upon me I do not know into what region of depravity I shall go down. There seems to be a sort of mist in the region of the heart which is cleared by prayer, but comes back again. A sensation is felt in the navel. I do not know whether any point of sensuousness has become ignited, or my evil actions of the past have overpowered me.

3rd May, 1931:
Dreamt in the night that a Saint was ill, and a Divine was sitting with me. I told him that I was much worried about the ailing Saint. He remarked that that was why his condition has gone down into me.

11th May, 1931:
I was sitting in Tilhar at about 3 in the night under the influence of your transmission. During meditation a person accosted me. My heart said “Khwaja bil Qasim Nurul Khuda.”

12th to 14th May, 1931:
Insensate condition prevailed.

17th May, 1931:
Saw a Saint in a dream. He transmitted to me and explained something written on a piece of paper. Unfortunately I have forgotten it.

18th May, 1931:
Saw you in a dream and derived bliss.

24th May, 1931:
Saw you and a Saint in a dream. The dream is not remembered.

25th to 31st May, 1931:
Sensuous thoughts remained active.


Revered Master of both the worlds. May you live long!

After salutations I beg to submit as follows. A letter from Professor Rajendra Kumar arrived from Kanpur, saying that the Revered Lalaji Saheb had gone to Fatehgarh on 7th August 1931. At Kanpur his illness had become serious and now, at Fatehgarh also, his condition is not relieved. Letter of Professor Saheb came on the 11th August. On 13th August the brother-in-law of Munshi Sri Ram wrote that the condition of Lalaji had taken a serious turn during the last two days. There was acute pain in the stomach. Treatment by vinegar and ice, which was resorted to at Kanpur, produced knots in the stomach. Now the treatment of some Indian physician is going on. Dear Pandit Rameshwar Prasad has left for Fatehgarh. On 12th August I was meditating on the recovery of Guruji Maharaj in such a manner as if the current from his subtle being was descending over his physical body, and due to that he was making a thorough recovery, when all of a sudden a thought (but not a voice) did come from the heart of its own accord that Mahatmaji should use the leaves of Narhi as diet. Narhi is actually a killer of poison and can be had in abundance these days. If you deem it proper please write. Hakim Shyam Lal is prepared to go to Fatehgarh. But he says that on receiving a reply to his letter he will go. There is no reply to the letter so far. I have asked dear Pandit Rameshwar Prasad to wire after enquiring there. I had asked him to go via Tilhar, but he had to halt at Bareilly on some personal work there. So he went direct by the 3 o’clock train.

Now I put up the Diary for the month of July, 1931. Feeling of the heart condition cannot be expressed in writing as, firstly, proper words are wanting; secondly, no illustration suffices to interpret the condition. Due to worries I could not write the diary in detail or with clarity. There seems to be a vast populated area in vision of which the heart takes itself to be the master, and my eyes roam over it like those of a king over his subjects. The well-being and protection of that area is always in mind, and my thought goes on spreading balanced state in a natural way. The connection with the inhabitants of that area is felt by me through the heart, that is to say, the ties of these people are linked with the heart and to me. My status seems to be that of Master; but there is no pride or arrogance whatsoever. The fire of love had been produced excessively and nothing but my attendance in the presence of the Teacher pleased me. Faith in my Guide and teacher has grown a lot, but love has vanished. The heart is desirous of following the dharma shastra, though I know only the name of dharma shastra. But a hundred thanks that one such condition persisted in seed form which gave this feeling that all the duties of religion were present in it like a silhouette. By and by this condition became established inside the heart as when water soaks into earth and only dampness is visible, as if the property of the water is taken away by the earth. When anything against the dharma shastra is committed by me the heart filled with hatred tries that such a thing may not be repeated again.

7th July, 1931:
Saw Master in a dream. He was seated to the right side of my cot.

14th July, 1931:
Saw Master in a dream. A respected Saint and another satsanghi were also present. Forgot the dream.

18th July, 1931:
Saw a Muslim Saint in a dream. Forgot a large portion of the dream. This much is remembred that I reached some place where there was an orchard. There was a shrine also. The Muslim Saint informed me that it was the shrine of a particular person. I forgot the name. He also remarked that I was to note all these events in my diary, and he himself made me note them down during the dream. One person told the Muslim Saint that this boy (me) was the last of all. Other people also were present there.

10th July, 1931:
I dreamt that Master enquired if I could teach a novice. When I enquired about it from my heart it was silent. Saw a respected Saint and the Guruji Maharaj in a dream but beyond this I forgot.

26th July, 1931:
Dreamt that I went into meditation, and was at the shrine of a Saint Hazrat Baqi Billah and was doing meditation, when a condition of intense emotion prevailed over me and a faint cry came out of my mouth. Again I submit that the points which have awakened these days have unlimited purity, delicacy and subtlety, but slight weakness is felt at that point. Really ascent in this condition is impossible without satsangh, faith and grace of the Guru. This point is so delicate and light that it cannot be expressed.

Due to the departure of Guruji Maharaj from his mortal body and on his being merged with God a strange condition has come into being within me. It has been proved to me that I had no love whatsoever for the Guru. Had there been love I would have followed him on hearing the news. This much is undoubtedly true that nothing pleases me without him. The fluid state which prevails over the heart is known to the heart alone. At times my heart longs that, going to some jungle or hill, I should bid good-bye to hunger and thirst, and in this way I will be one with Him. I have bidden good-bye to all luxuries, comforts laughter and jokes. May the Master help me to preserve it.

From 15th August I have been having this feeling that the point at which my thought is stationed these days is full of the infinite and limitless power of Guruji, given to me by my Master, and is pulling my thought towards it after giving strength to my thought. When I search for the Guru with my thought I do not find him for miles. It nevertheless happens that it becomes merged in the indefinite power of the Guru. Once or twice it so happened that in a state of sorrow I have felt that some veil of the mind has lifted up, and the thought has become directly linked with the Guru.

In short I am not consoled in any manner, and the World seems to be dark and dreary without the Guru, and the heart longs to meet him every moment. Love for wife, children and parents had remained in the form of sympathy, duty and regard only long before the Master left his mortal coil, and no desire existed. My heart always longs that somehow or the other I may leave this body. I do not know how much more life remains. I intended to go to Fategarh on the 22nd by the evening train and to stay there for 5 or 6 days. But I could not do so.

August to November, 1931:
Due to serious illness I could not note my diary datewise. I note down whatever I remember. From the morning of the 15th August, I began to have the feeling that a point has awakened in the mind, but weakness was felt. There was a state of utter silence, and my sphere of activity was in a vast and limitless expanse, and indefinite power was felt which assured me that the indefinite power was that of my Master, the revivalist, which had been bestowed on the and was giving me support. The Master was taking me forward, and He was infusing power where the weakness was felt. Living for some days in this condition the malady of loose motions started which developed into the dangerous shape of cholera on the night of August 30, 1931, and my condition worsened to the verge of death. The condition of that time is worth thankfulness. The Master conferred such a solace of heart which will not be in store for angels even. There was neither any care for the wife and children, nor love of parents, nor any throught of self or God. So to say I was quite thoughtless, and experienced complete peace. It was the grace of the Guru that during my entire illness he was at my bedside. He enquired twice from this humble self whether I desired him to extract my illness. This humble self did not give any reply. After some days, when the effect of cholera was gone, my condition eased. A hundred thanks that I felt a new spiritual life in me. The weakness at the point had totally vanished and I was miles ahead due to His blessing from the point where I was stationed before my illness. Sankalp and Vikalp did not arise and if, perchance, any desire did arise, Nature itself fulfilled it. I possessed ‘Belovedness’. The respected Saint had expressed to me in respect of this point a few months earlier. The thought of the above condition remained for some time. Any desire that came into being by chance was fulfilled. Any question that arose was solved. By and by the condition took another turn, that is, the thought of these things (absence of Sankalp and Vikalp; solution of spiritual tangles of their own accord; or coming into being of any thought and its fulfillment) vanished from my heart. It was just like the case of a man who resided in the palace of a king, who liked the decoration of the palace, its grandeur, the exquisite shape and the architecture of the building for a few days during which his heart would be attached to these things,but when some time passes there his condition becomes like that of people who go to the latrine and after easing themselves have nothing to do with it. In this sublime condition another offshoot did sprout forth, it being an emotional condition which, at times light and at others intense, and sometimes still more intense, began to prevail. In the beginning its duration was for short times, and then for hours more and so on several times. In the end it developed to a length of many days. When the condition of emotion departed, timidity overwhelmed me. Now at times the hug of the condition emotion departed, timidity orverwhelmed the time I consider myself to be a sinner, nicknamed, full of faults and unclean. All the sentiments have vanished and the heart does not take pleasure in anything. When the strings are moved the acts are performed like a puppet. I perform dancers in keep with the jingling of tunes.

One thing which I mentioned in the Diary for July 1931 is this that inside me there was such a condition prevailing which showed that the elements of following the dharma shastra had been inculcated in my thought, and would force me to follow the dharma shastra as a result of their inter-play. This condition is felt constantly, and even now the mind longs to follow it. But I do not know anything except the name of dharma shastra. I have faith in Guru Maharaj alone. When He wills, the same will be done. One night before the attack of cholera, I was softening, with tears, the stony mansion of the heart on the demise of the Master. There was excessive restlessness, and the eyes were closed, when I felt all of a sudden that the image of the Master existed in every particle of the body. There was not even a particle in which the Guru was not present. That condition was felt for many days off and on.

17th September, 1931:
Saw a Saint in a dream. He was seated on a bed and you were seated to the left. The Saint asked for my hand to initiate me. Thinking that I had already been initiated, I hesitated. Somehow to fulfil his desire I extended my hand and he put his hand on mine and did what is done at the time of initiation. At that time I realised that some very high point had been awakened; and this condition prevailed for many days.

25th November, 1931:
I woke up at the end of one dream and then on going to sleep I saw respected Lalaji Saheb in another dream. He asked me as to what was meant by Tark amd Sainthood. I gave the reply which he confirmed as correct. Then he asked me what Chintak Vastu was. I told him that I did not know the meaning of Chintak. He said that the world Chintak was a compound. I was to give my reply to this question and then he would tell me a lot more. I woke up at this point.

27th November, 1931:
A thought came at mid-day that it was irreligious to give away one’s heart to those material things which were meant for pleasure only.

NOTE: During the illness I often saw the respected Lalaji Saheb in dreams and he, often, expressed his opinion regarding my illness; for instance he said that I was not to have allopathic treatment for this disease, which opinion was acted upon. Often he also transmitted during the dream. The second thing is this that I am having the idea that I am undergoing the bliss of eighty-four Lakh Yonis, this is why during the last two years not a single day has gone without some ailment and I have to suffer mental and physical pains. I undergo the bhog of karmas even in dreams. Somebody hits me with a spear and somebody causes pain etc.

The condition which prevails now cannot be expressed in writing or other means. Condition remains very much depressed like that of an ordinary man. There seems to be a connection with ignorance (knowledgelessness) and filth. A marked difference is felt on comparing the existing condition with the past condition. So very often there is wonder, and hustle bustle and intensity have vanished. In keeping with the condition the following couplet comes to the lips:

“Heard a lot about the heart in the side.
When it was operated upon not a single drop of blood came out.”

Sometimes the thought says that the beginning of spirituality has come into being now, and sometimes it says that when Maya comes to an end, that is to say, when thought becomes completely free of the sphere of Maya, only then it should be taken to be the beginning of spirituality. So far, all these are mere matters by the way. The commencement of spirituality is still far off.

The present condition is like that of a weak, sick man every part of whose body gives an idea of weakness. God knows if my physicality is governed by spirituality, or this is a course to reach the goal. When someone makes mention of the Saints of the past, or of the present , or talks about spirituality then, nevertheless, some intensity of love and courage is being felt. This much is no doubt encouraging that Divine blessing is felt to be descending every moment and the grace of the Guru is inherent in my condition for which I offer thanks hundreds of times. Really this humble devotee of God was not worthy of this blessing. This is the grace and favour of the Saints of our order.

5th December, 1931:
Dreamt in the night that a Saint was with me and the great Muslim Divine picked me up on his lap and began to take off my shoes in order to seat me on his shoulders. I remonstrated with him for what he was doing, but he paid no heed. Taking off my shoes, he took them in his hands and seated me on his shoulders. I thought that the Saint had seated me on his shoulders to take me across some river. Saw a river also in the dream, but nothing is remembered beyond this. Nevertheless the Saint was with me during the entire dream.

27th December, 1931:
Dreamt in the night that I was going to my village. On the way came Jalalabad. The Munim (Accountant) and Jagmohan (Master’s son) were also there. The Munim said that the shop of Jagmohan was not running well and suggested that it could thrive if I so wanted it. I remarked how could I like it not to thrive, and added that it was all in the hands of the Almighty. There and then I prayed to God for the thriving of Jagmohan’s business. After that I reached a bungalow where the respected Lalaji Saheb was staying, while my respected mother and dear Jagmohan were present in another bungalow. The bungalow was being flooded, and much was being done to save the rooms from flooding, but water re-entered there. Then I went to the bungalow in which the respected Saint was staying. In the verandah some ladies were doing meditation while inside the room dear Pandit Rameshwar Prasad (my brother disciple) and one or two other persons were sitting. I went inside. The Master made me sit near him to the right and gave transmission to me and asked me if I recollected a particular couplet. He meant this one.

“I become thee! Thou becomest me! I become body! Thou becomest soul!
So that no one may henceforward say that I and thee are separate!”

But I could not recollect it. He reminded me “I become thee and Thou me”. After that I woke up. For many days a very light and subtle condition was felt.

Seeing somebody dying my heart also longs to die and this state has intensified after Master attained Maha Samadhi. Though the shadow of the Saint remains on this poor being all along, yet complete vision of Reality cannot be had in the opinion of this humble self until flight is made from the elemental cage. The longer the life, the greater is the danger of sins. There is an English proverb also which says, “Those whom the gods love die young”. I have to test its veracity also. I am unable to discharge the duties of devotion. I have hopes of mercy from the Master. Due to his kindness this has become one of my principles. May the Guru make me persevere in this that others may or may not fullfil their duty, but I should do my duty by the others. That is to say, we should see to our duty and not to that of the others, in keeping with the motto, ‘He will not give up his bad habit. Why should we change our good habit. Our Guruji Maharaj acted upon it fully. So this principle is right. Keeping this thing in view his blessing is awaited, and the greatest blessing to me is that He may call me to himself soon.