How am I to describe my condition? It cannot be described correctly. I recall the lesson derived from a story related by a Saint. “He who has seen does not have the power of speaking. He who has the power of speech does not have the power to see.’ That is to stay this condition is inexpressible. Description of the point, which the Master has made me to traverse, cannot be made by speech or pen! Nevertheless soul conditions, or effects which descend on the heart, are being submitted. A few months back the condition was such that nearness went on increasing, but the nearness which had prevailed during the beginning of that condition continued for some days and then, day by day, with the same strength or form. But on comparison I found it more the next day than it had been the previous day. Now there is neither the feeling of distance nor nearness. What exists does exist.

During the preceding month attraction was felt much, and condition remained balanced and pleasant, and the feeling that my abode was in the heavenly world was very intense. I felt that was my home-land, and that I was a resident of that world. My status in this world seemed to be that of a traveler and, on meditation, it still seems so. When I speak I often feel as if I am a Talkie. Electricity and gramophone are installed at the back in a cinema. When light is thrown on the screen pictures appear on it. On the pictures there are impressions of sound. The sound of the gramophone is related to these impressions, that is to say, pictures get life from the gramophone but, to the exterior looking person, sound seems to be coming from the pictures. The same is the case with me. “Although the arrow does pass through the bow yet wise people see it to be from the owner of the bow.”

Connection with ignorance in mind is often felt, and there seems to be so much forgetfulness of spirituality as if this humble self has never stepped into this barren plain. Nevertheless restlessness in some form or the other is present there. Thanks to the Guru at least there is something.

A misgiving often rises in me (this has been for a long time) whether the beginning of spirituality has been made or not. Formerly I had the notion that the beginning of spirituality is with dissolution. In the worlds of someone, ‘The path of eternity is not found without dissolution’. Then the idea came that the dissolution of the state of dissolution is the beginning spirituality. Thereafter the thought occurred, ‘No, spirituality starts with Baqa or Sayujyata. ‘Now I have this thought that only this should be taken to be the beginning of spirituality when understanding or surat enters into the sphere of Being. I do not know why this misgiving prevails.

6th October, 1932:
In the noon when I woke up from sleep and the eyes were half open, it seemed as it Mahatmaji Maharaj had come. A dreamy environment prevailed. In the room my wife and I were present. The Guru sat down on a takhat and remarked that it was one’s duty to pray for the solution of a difficulty, and that meditation and prayer were necessary for health. I thought that he was telling me that some calamity was about to overtake me. I submitted that I would definitely do what he ordained but I was not bothered with pain and illness. In the presence of the Guru a thought came that what he said was about my wife. I became silent. The Guru was wrapped up in a quilt, and his holy face was slightly indistinct. I was ill before going to sleep, and was having a sort or retching or nausea. My wife had gone to sleep while fanning me. I immediately awakened her and enquired. She said that she did not remember what somebody said to her while the eyes were half open.

9th October, 1932:
Saw a Saint in a dream. Forgot most of the dream. Then I saw Mahatmaji Maharaj. Recollect this much that there was satsangh for three days continuously. Pandit Rameshwar Prasad and Karuna shanker were present there.

10th October, 1932:
Dreamt in the day that my condition had become such as if a man was made motionless after being made to drink bhang (a drug) but who remained conscious. I could move neither the hands nor the feet. After that I saw another dream that my condition was like that of a dead man, and I was completely vacant.

11th October, 1932:
Saw a Saint in a dream, and with his permission some one initiated me. He made me say, after putting his hand over my hand, that I was being initiated over the hand of Horizon. The respected Saint enquired if I had been initiated over the hand of Horizon had been initiated over the hand of Horizon. I said yes. Then somebody else initiated me.

12th October, 1932:
In the night, saw a respected saint in a dream. He went on having satsangh during the dream. That very night when I was almost awake I saw the Guruji Maharaj in a dream. The Master sat down on my cot and enquired what the state of loose motion was. I said that I had had four or five fits. Then he asked some thing about spirituality. I submitted that whatever I would receive would be from him alone. He had the option of giving or not giving, or of distributing among others what he had conferred so far. Saying this I began to weep. The Master said that it was well and good if it was so. He gave a transmission which created such an echo in all the particles of the entire body as if birds were inside, and it seemed as if each and every particle of the body was being gulped by somebody. He gave another transmission which charged me from head to foot, and the heart was expanding much, and there, was acute pain due to which the heart was being torn. He gave three transmissions. During the transmission a thought came to my mind and I felt that I would leave the body. I said I was ready for that. The Master was startled and he withdrew the current of transmission. I felt myself to be charge for many days.

18th October, 1932:
I saw a saint in a dream and got transmission. Beyond this I do not recollect.

28th November, 1932:
Dreamt that I was sitting in meditation of Guruji Maharaj. Immediately, on meditation , he gave six or seven transmissions and I became fully charged from head to foot. The condition of bliss was such as if it was raining in torrents all of a sudden.

The things went on. They grew subtler and subtler, and almost indescribable. Every subtle state was waiting for a yet subtler one. There comes the time when broadness issues forth from narrowness, and narrowness itself becomes the broader range. By the method of the Master I found new life every day. I do not know whether ‘life’ will be an exact exposition of my condition. So the diary remained silent for years together. Whatever I could grasp at that time, I could bring out the facts in the notes.

Really speaking my Master did not die but I felt myself as dead.

Death: I used in my book “Efficacy of Raj Yoga” a term ‘living dead’. This is the condition felt when a man becomes absorbed in absorbency - (Phanaye Phana).

These conditions can best be explained in a negative way. I give my view in the worldly way. When the impressions of the past become very active, the Nature brings death as a pause for rest, so that one may be fresh in the next life to undergo the results of action. Now we come to the spiritual standard of life. Here death means the oblivious state of mind which rejects all that is there. As to how it happens, I am giving you my own view. The tendency of the mind is that it ejects what it gets. That is why man feels the rush of thoughts all the time. Thoughts are like the dust which flies with the air, but constructs no building because they have no power in them. When you give them power, they become strong like the mound of white ants. Everybody has got life but we have to seek for life in life, which ultimately merges in its own essence.

We forget the rest in the cradle when we grow old. Similarly when we are highly advanced in spirituality, we enter into the new restful state, the state which we cannot conceive of, because the idea of rest is there; and when the idea of rest comes into the mind we begin to remember cot and pillow and it becomes almost artificial. Artificiality can only be lost when we are free from both the negative and positive ideas. In the negative you lose something, in the positive you gain something. So when losing and gaining are there, you are in tune with Maya.

If we name rest as unrest and unrest as rest, then in the state of unrest we will say ‘I am at rest.’ But for this everybody must taste both rest and unrest. This really depends upon the depth of thought. The ultimate base of every thought is Reality, which gives power to all that one asks for. The tragedy is that we go to the power alone, but not to the base of that power. Hence we commit wrong acts more than right ones. The real character is formed in saintliness, and the suffering is half over. The suffering is really that which we do not suffer.

The spiritual history of India says that the Saints of India have prayed to God to give all the miseries of the world to them, so that humanity may be free from it. The people generally follow the spiritual methods so that they may be relieved from suffering. It is my idea that the saints are not to enjoy but to be enjoyed by others. Suffering and peace both become one at their base. The most wonderful thing I found when I travelled abroad was that people are hankering for peace. They know what is before peace, but they do not try to know what is after peace. If anybody asks for its explanation. I can safely say that non-peace peace is the real peace, and is nearer to Divinity. After peace is Reality, so loving and embracing. We start with the cradle and rest in the grave. That is the whole life picture of the human life.

In 1942 I had a dream of my Revered Master, who said, “There are persons who crave for wealth but they cannot do anything unless they take me as their base”. He also described a meditation for me with instruction that this sort of meditation should only be done when the body consciousness in thoroughly gone, and the soul consciousness starts. This sort of meditation works by banishing the idea of soul. This idea should also leave one for good. It has come to my experience for the first time in spiritual history that both body and soul idea have got to be got rid of. Afterwards consciousness of consciousness should also bid farewell. This idea I have expressed in “Efficacy of Raj Yoga”. The scientific world may not agree with my views because this thing is beyond matter and science cannot explain it. Real psychology is beyond mind, and the Reality is beyond and yet beyond.

The people generally may call it an ambiguous statement. Freshness is there but richness is not there. They are rich when they have got wealth; they are poor when they have not got it. This is the real ambiguity, because they do not understand the real relation between these two. Both come from one and the same mother, So the mother is more important than either of these two things.

After this new buds have begun to bloom waiting for the fragrance of Divine activity. A sort of mild intoxication started which was not only pleasing to the heart and mind, but to all around me. And in that state of mild ecstasy a couplet was bubbling up in the heart:

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The melody of the nightingale enlivened the soul of the garden. Otherwise every bud was deluded in the pride of the dream.

It is the universal law of Nature that change should be there. What we see today will be something else tomorrow, the difference may be a minimum. After night comes the day, and every change begets some result. If there is no change, there is no basic principle. If there is no basic principle, there is no Absolute. It is only through the process of change that every object in the world gets fruition. A poet has said:

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If the sky and the earth are there, the particle is destined to grow into lustre.

Really revolution is the basis of all improvement. Movement give growth, and growth stops movement.

I now began to feel that the blessings of my Revered Master Samarth Guru Mahatma Ram Chandra Ji Maharaj of Fatehgarh, were pouring into every fiber of my being. The condition I felt only experience can enjoy.

The things continued in different colours till all of them became one, as its natural effect. Now this is the condition which we can safely call the colourless condition. Afterwards there has begun to arise the state which was almost changeless. This thing continued for a certain period till there came a time when the impression of the condition itself bade farewell. I do not know what has happened to me afterwards. I was silent; the world was silent; Nature was silent; and I was in a way, silencer myself. When I was in England, I said in a joke within my closer circle that there are so many speakers but I am the silencer. That was the humorous way of expressing my condition. I may call it neither balanced nor unbalanced.

During this interval a disciple of Swami Vairaganand came to me and stayed with me for some time. I transmitted to his disciple twice or thrice also. After a brief stay he went back to his master who guessed his condition, and asked him where he had been during this interval, and who had transmitted to him. His master was acquainted with my Master and stated that ‘he is representing His Master. When he left the moral coil He transferred all His Power to him and became absorbed in him in toto.” His master told him to inform me that the time was soon to come when I would represent my Master. He came back again and informed me all about it. Sometime later he again went to his master. He then predicted that now the time had come and asked him to tell me. A week later my condition began to open up, and I began to enjoy the real spirit of Reality.

In the next series my life will appear as a master, as my Master wished.

Quiet am I, Quiet is the beloved. Quiet the night and Quiet the moon. All is lost in a cup of Wine Divine.

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END OF VOLUME I

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